T.J. Simers issued a plea for a kind Nebraskan or two to show him a good time while he's in town for the Huskers' Sept. 15 showdown against Southern Cal. But if Simers was hoping for a warm welcome, he
MELISSA LEE / Lincoln Journal Star | Posted: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 7:00 pm
Cornhusker fans, here’s your chance to put your very best Midwestern hospitality on display.
Los Angeles Times columnist T.J. Simers issued a plea Tuesday for a kind Nebraskan or two to show him a good time while he’s in town for the Huskers’ Sept. 15 showdown against Southern Cal.
But if Simers was hoping for a warm welcome, he might not have picked the best route.
Among his choice words for Nebraska:
“… I was thinking it’d be interesting to stay with a real-live-boring Cornhuskers family somewhere out on the prairie so I can feel what it’s like to have nothing to look forward to in my life other than a Saturday afternoon football game.”
“(Football is) all they have, everyone wearing red, and sitting there like plump, ripe tomatoes with corncobs stuck to their heads, singing, ‘There is no place like Nebraska.’”
Simers also pokes fun at the state’s Wal-Marts, calls Nebraska women “big-butted” and marvels that thousands of people here have never tasted a Slurpee.
And — how’s this for bold — he calls this year’s USC crew “the greatest football team ever assembled.”
Fans of the 1971 or 1995 Huskers might beg to differ.
So: Would you fix up your guest room for this guy?
“Um, probably not,” said Cheyenne Hemphill, owner of Husker Headquarters at 1120 P St. and 56th Street and Nebraska 2.
“I just thought (Simers’ column) was kind of ridiculous.”
Fittingly, Hemphill’s shop already is selling T-shirts screaming “Beat the Booty out of USC,” an homage to quarterback John David Booty.
Hemphill knows it’ll be a tough fight against the Trojans, contenders for the national title just two years ago. But while he says he respects good football, he takes issue with Simers’ potshots and fires back with some of his own.
“Maybe he can see and breathe something other than his smog-infested city,” Hemphill said. “There’s too much Botox, fake racks and smog there.”
Added fellow Husker Headquarters employee Andrew Earnest: “To make (Simers) feel at home, we will use our best, like, you know, Valley girl impressions or whatever.”
Of course, not all Californians believe Nebraska has nothing to offer, pointed out Sarah Kaiman, a Los Angeles attorney and former treasurer of Californians for Nebraska, an NU alumni group for diehard Husker fans.
And, Kaiman noted, Simers’ Tuesday column was hardly unusual. He’s notorious for taking shots every chance he gets, and not just against Nebraska.
Simers himself insists he might have a change of heart during his stay here. He clearly has much to learn: The poor guy has never been to Memorial Stadium, never even sampled a Runza.
“I’m interested in being educated … I was trying to take advantage of Nebraska hospitality,” he said. “I thought, maybe I could stay in different people’s homes and get a feel for how desperate or solitary life is there.”
In fact, he says, he’s already received a few invitations from open-hearted Nebraskans. (He’s running background checks as we speak.)
He’s also received some, ah, less friendly e-mails.
“Apparently over the years they’ve learned foul language in Nebraska,” he said.
Should you care to add your thoughts, or offer up a spare pillow to Simers, write him at t.j.simers@latimes.com.
And who knows? Present him with a Slurpee and his very own cornhead and you just may win him over.
Reach Melissa Lee at 473-2682 or mlee@journalstar.com.