Follow ex-etiquette for the holidays

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By KATHRYN CATES MOORE / Lincoln Journal Star

Hannah Lehnert knows she will be having two Christmases this year. 

At one house, they will open a few presents on Christmas Eve. At the other, all presents are opened on Christmas morning. There will be two family dinners and lots of thank you notes for the 12-year-old to write.

She thinks it’s great.   

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Chicago Tribune/MCT

Chicago Tribune/MCT

That’s because Hannah and her  divorced parents have been working at getting the holidays right for a long time. Hannah was just a toddler when her parents  separated, and the idea of two holidays at two different locations works fine for her, she said.

Hannah’s mom, Kathy Danley, knows that divorced families have their ups and downs during the holidays. As a clinical social worker, she helps facilitate classes on divorce adjustment. She’s also experienced many of the issues in her own life. 

“It can be difficult for the kids and the ex-partners,” she said.

Her suggestion: When co-parenting, put the kids first — especially during the holidays.

Divorces, like marriages, often go through phases, she said. The first few years after the divorce are generally a time when boundaries are more exact.

After a few years, you get a feeling about how the holidays will go, she said, and maybe your communication is better.

But at first, stick to the planned arrangement. “Abide by the rules and be supportive of their time with either parent,” she said. “Decide to work together for the benefit of the kids.”

Having a solid schedule planned also helps both parents. They need to notify extended family, too, and make sure children don’t end up with two turkey dinners on the same day or miss seeing an out-of-town relative because it isn’t their assigned weekend.   

Sometimes it is letting go of the traditions that are hardest to cope with, for both parents and children, Danley said.

If you can, create new traditions and rituals with the children. Old traditions and remembering past times that were very different may make the children sad.

This time of year there are  also lots of family activities, dinners and school events where ex-spouses and their children cross paths.

Take, for example, the annual school holiday concert. Both parents, and maybe their new partners, may be in attendance. “Be prepared,” Danley said. “You may want to be on separate sides of the auditorium, or if you are cordial, it won’t matter.” 

But know that your child will be happy to see both parents there and want to spend some time with them, she added.

Another delicate matter can be gift giving. Hannah usually makes two lists — one for each parent.

This is where communication comes in, Danley said. Ask your ex-spouse what he or she plans to do and if your children are old enough, encourage them to make separate lists. 

But don’t get into a competition, Danley said.

Most importantly, don’t put your children in the middle of a gift-giving extravaganza or consciously give a gift that you know your ex-spouse would not appreciate.

“If your ex-spouse decides to give a puppy to your child, make sure they understand the rules that go with that puppy  — like maybe it won’t be allowed at your house.”

Danley said once  you have established a good holiday routine for the children, take a moment to focus on yourself. “It’s difficult for adults, too,” she said. “This can be a depressing time of year. Seek out a support group of your own, so you don’t feel isolated.”   

How you feel during the holidays, depends on where you are in the healing process, Danley said. 

Reach Kathryn Cates Moore at 473-7214 or kmoore@journalstar.com.