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Local view: Large families can teach life lessons

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By JENNIFER GUTIERREZ

Saturday, Jul 05, 2008 - 12:38:52 am CDT

Shortly before Mother’s Day, Arkansans Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar announced on the NBC “Today Show” that they were expecting their 18th child. As their children beamed, the nation collectively gasped.

My personal reaction was a bit different. It opened my mind to memories of growing up in a large family and to my experiences now as a parent of a large family.

I reflected on the joy and the heartache and the life’s lessons those experiences have provided me. It also drew my thoughts to the state of the family in the world today.

Story Photo
Jennifer Gutierrez

International and domestic attitudes and policies toward families seem to be revealing incredibly disturbing trends.

For example, last October, the Australian Medical Association published a letter by a professor of medical obstetrics who proposed that a tax be imposed on children for their carbon footprints. He recommended that a $5,000 tax be imposed upon third and subsequent children followed by a $400-$800 carbon tax per child because “every newborn baby in Australia represents a potent source of greenhouse gas emissions for an average of 80 years.”

Last May in China, thousands of parents who the government had forced to abide by an oppressive one-child-per-family policy were reeling from an earthquake’s toll of 70,000 lives and raced to adopt orphaned children to fill the hole left in their national heart. Here in America, a day seldom passes without someone introducing a position that assaults the status of our nation’s core unit, the family.

I am the oldest of six children. As an Omaha first-grader in the mid-1970s, I recall having classmates who were the youngest of 13 and even 17 children. Today, those great stories of big families seem to be increasingly scarce. While there are many reasons today that couples do not have children or choose to have smaller families, I can’t help but feel that something precious has been lost — that the value we used to place on family itself, of any size, has somehow been misplaced.

The renowned philosopher Fulton Sheen once said, “Home life is the God-appointed training ground of human character, for from the home life of the child springs the maturity of manhood, either for good or for evil.”

Sheen also was famous for making important points about life’s fundamental lessons by making lists. Here is my short list of some life lessons I learned from my home life as a child — and continue to learn as a parent — about the value of being a part of a family, especially a large family:

* Respect for authority and the value of working together.

* Learning to serve and care for others.

* The appreciation of others’ ideas and the recognition of diversity.

* The importance of honesty and trusting relationships.

* Gratitude and humility.

Strong families are the core of our local, national and global societies. As a community, we must respect, strengthen and support families and those who dedicate their lives to building strong families, especially large ones, as they will provide the training ground for not only our world’s character, but for its heart and soul.

Jennifer Gutierrez is a strategic communications consultant specializing in work with Nebraska’s Hispanic market.


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Correction wrote on July 5, 2008 11:57 am:
" Fulton Sheen was more than a philospher. He was an American archbishop of the Roman Catholic Church and hosted two television shows in the 1950's and 1960's. "

 Fuzzy logic wrote on July 5, 2008 2:27 pm:
" What is the point of this column? China's one-child policy is a "disturbing trend"? Way to keep up with current events, Jennifer. I don't think that one Australian professor's opinion about a way to combat that country's enormous problem with greenhouse gas emissions equals an anti-family movement. And here in America, exactly what positions are being introduced that assault our nation's core unit - the family - on a daily basis? No examples? Not even one? For all those days?

Sure, we all noticed the story about the family with 18 kids because that is pretty unusual, but I don't see any major focus on condemning them. There's nothing magic about big families that makes them good. The quote from Archbishop Fulton reminds us that the home life is important for the development of the child - "for good or for evil" - that is as true with one child as with 18. All those lessons Jennifer learned are important, but can be learned from others outside your family, too. "

 Last paragraph wrote on July 5, 2008 3:53 pm:
" The last paragraph is key. Strong families are the core. The size of the strong family should not be the issue; strong families of 3 or 13 can provide opportunities for learning respect, the importance of honesty, etc. "

 Edgar Pearlstein wrote on July 6, 2008 11:21 am:
" Although large families might "teach life lessons", they ignore the lesson of overpopulation. "

 Supporter wrote on July 6, 2008 11:36 am:
" This article brings attention to a trend that, like Jennifer, I too have noticed. I am the youngest of six children, so Jennifer and I have a little something in common even though we 're on opposite ends of that spectrum, and I have noticed that many of my peers do not have many, if any, siblings. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with this, but I agree with Jennifer that something is definitely lost when one doesn't grow up around brothers and sisters, interacting with them and learning lifelong lessons with them as well. And sure, the lessons that she names can be learned outside of the family, but the family provides such a welcoming atmosphere for that learning to take place, an atmosphere that I believe is unmatched in its tolerance toward its members as they learn, as well as in its purpose of encouraging that learning to take place. I value my big family more than anything. Right on, Jennifer. "

 Margaret wrote on July 6, 2008 6:33 pm:
" As a child that grew up in a family of 12, I felt that my parents could have benefited from some family planning education. We grew up in poor conditions, even with hand me down clothes. Each of us was expected to have a job at the age of 14 a contribute to the family income. Sports and other after school extracurriculars were not an option. That's not to say that there were benefits of having those siblings in my age range around me (I never really got to know my older siblings very well, even to this day). I learned how to take care of babies at a very early age. My parents loved each of us, and once and a while we got the one-on-one time that we all craved with them. For me, I love my two children but feel no need to have any more. Perhaps we may adopt when our kids get a little older, but I see no need in having more of my own. To each his own. "

 Rosanna Connelly wrote on July 8, 2008 7:39 am:
" My stomach nearly turned when I read some of the comments on this story. It is clear that these life lessons of which Guitierrez speaks have obviously been lost, and the loss of these values are now defining us as a culture, all to our detriment. The selfishness I see in some of the comments is proof that people do need to grow up learning the value of serving others, especially those more vulnerable among us. We have eleven children (living) and even though our youngest is not quite a year old, my other kids keep pestering me about when we are going to have another one. I hope and pray that none of them ever come to beleive, as some of your commentators have suggested, that life would have been better if some of their brothers or sisters had never been born. I would certainly pray that none of them ever buy into the pop culture fraud of "over-population" which serious scholars have shown to be a political myth with an incidious agenda attached.
I grew up in poverty in a family of six. We are not doing much better financially now than we did then, but our lives are happy and full of purpose, which beats a new car, house, or any other material thing some people think will make them happy. And think about it; in a nation full of 10-children families, only 10% of the population has never had a younger sibling to help take care of. In a nation of 2-children families, HALF of the population doesn't know what it means to look out for someone else. Is it any wonder we are now a nation full of people who think it's all about them? "

 Sean Age wrote on July 8, 2008 8:55 am:
" I agree with Jennifer. I also come from a large family, only larger, and I agree with her 100%. I also know about the attacks on large families. Planned Parenthood kills children every day. Although they aren't born, they're still human beings. To the argument of overpopulation, there is no such thing. There's an entire world out there, and someday we'll have more places to live thanks to better technology. I actually believe that if small families stay, we'll become underpopulated. Everyday someone somewhere is dying. We must have large families to fill in these gaps, which are due to disease, war, famine, and abortion. Large families are the workhorse of this nation. The more of our generation there are, the more workers we will have, providing work, knowledge, and better technology. In fact, abortion may have killed 20 Einsteins by now. Large families, again, are a great thing for this great nation. "

 Jessie Age wrote on July 8, 2008 9:19 am:
" Being the 2nd of 11,I have lots of responsibilities,and having a large family gives me the opportunity to be ready for the road ahead. I've learned how to act like someone I want to be someday- a mother. I believe a large family is a great thing to have. As for family planning- Somebody already did plan your family. Aren't you glad He planned you? "

 Cameron age wrote on July 8, 2008 9:33 am:
" I am in a family of 14 ( and proud of it! ). I believe that everyone should be open to having as many children as possible. As to overpopulation, I don't believe that is possible. I say, keep it up Jennifer! "

 Theresa age wrote on July 8, 2008 9:43 am:
" I come from a large family,and I like it because it helps me to learn to be a good mother when I grow up. "

 Judy wrote on July 8, 2008 2:10 pm:
" Oh, please! Children in large families get plenty of attention - and love. Why is it that when I worked outside the home with 1 child in daycare no one questioned how much attention that child got from me. But now that I am home with 6 there is a sick presumption that they are all ignored? My children are happy, healthy, well-adjusted. We hope and pray for more. "

 Sue Kouma Johnson wrote on July 8, 2008 2:13 pm:
" What a breath of fresh air! It takes courage to speak the truth in these times when evil is exalted and goodness is scorned. Each human life is sacred and large families do teach us how to live in cooperation with others. We are more than just a "carbon footprint"--we are precious in the eyes of God, our Creator, meant to know, love, and serve Him in this world, and be happy with Him forever in the next! "

 Go big or go home Just kidding wrote on July 8, 2008 2:45 pm:
" All families, regardless of size, can create loving environments for its members to grow and learn and I doubt that Ms. Gutierrez intends to attack families with less than 18 children by writing this piece. However, as is demonstrated in several comments above, many people have strong feelings against large families without ever having been a part of one.
I was even surprised by some of the negative comments of those who say they are part of a large family. For example, “Margaret” wrote of her time growing up in a poor home “with hand me down clothes.” Is that so terrible? As I look back on my childhood, I don’t feel scarred in anyway because I donned dresses that my 3 older sisters once wore. Although I know now that my parents were far from rich as I was growing up, I never had a clue then. All I knew was that I was safe and loved by a lot of people. I’d trade all the new clothes in the world for that, any day. "

 Amy wrote on July 9, 2008 9:39 am:
" This is the kind of article we need to see more often. Large families are a wonderful way to grow up--loved, having fun, and working together. My family is small compared to most of my friends (four living children in my family), and I sometimes have wished there could've been more of us to fill the house with laughter. Jennifer is right about the lessons that are learned in a big family--and regardless of the size of the family, those lessons can be taught with love from parents and siblings. I couldn't agree more with Archbishop Sheen about home life being the training ground of human character.
There is great danger, not so much in size of family, as in size of heart and love. When money is more important than family, the family suffers, the children (whatever number) suffer, and ultimately, the nation and the world suffers. Without a real sense of family--working together and loving and giving--children will grow up with selfishness that does not enable them to be a contributing member of society.
We need families who see their home life as the future of the nation! "

 Johnna wrote on July 11, 2008 7:21 am:
" I think it took great courage for Jennifer to speak out. Unfortunately, this world has decided that large families are a detriment instead of a blessing. We have become a very selfish nation. We believe that whatever we want, we deserve to have. Not so! Maybe if our children didn't grow up with whatever they wanted all the time, then we would have a more generous world. We would have people who looked out for one another instead of just themselves. It IS a good thing for them to work for what they want. (And to not always get everything that they THINK they need!)

All families need to decide, with the help of God, what their family size should be. And we all need to be more kind and loving in the way that we treat one another. If one family decides that one child is what they are being called to have, great. If another family decides that they are being called to have 10, then that is great too. We need to stop condemning others because they have different choices as to what is good for their family. I am always amazed at how bold some people are when they approach me is a store and ask if "all these children are mine" (yes, we have 8 living children) When I say "Yes!", they look at me and ask "if I know what causes this". Causes this? It/they are not diseases! They are beautiful blessings put in our home by the One who knows best! Our heavenly Father!

The biggest thing we need to remember is to NOT put material possessions ahead of people and the blessing that children bring. Children are a gift! "

 Jan wrote on July 11, 2008 8:04 am:
" I was the youngest of three in a family without financial difficulty and I wore hand-me-downs all the time..from sisters and cousins! I find that to be a very odd argument against large families...sad actually.Which sibling should not have been born so you could wear the latest? Of course not all people are supposed to have large families, we just ask acceptance and kindness to those who do...as well as those who do not. To "fuzzy logic" some people can be very rude, even when the children are very well behaved, because of their bias against large families. If you do not have a large family or didn't come from one, you may not be aware of the prejudice that exists. "

 Anne wrote on July 11, 2008 9:37 am:
" Thanks for the article, Jennifer! Families tend to come in all sizes - which is a fine thing, given that variety is the spice of life!!! I came from a family of two; my mother had many miscarriages and I was fortunate to eventually have a younger brother. There was much love in our family though, and I know that unselfishness and consideration for others can be learned whatever the size of one's family. However, I now have twelve children and have been delighted to discover the delights and challenges of a big family. Our children are one another's best friends - and this includes the ones who are now grown and married and beginning their own families. Yes, they grew up with fewer material advantages than those in a smaller family, but that doesn't seem to have had any effect on their enjoyment of life or their ability to succeed in the world. We share one another's worries and sorrows(which is a fine thing if you're the one with the difficulties), but we also share one another's joys and happinesses. That makes life very full; we never suffer from boredom and none of us can imagine life without the others. Somebody once told me that he refused to have any more children because he had grown up as one of the younger ones in a large family and had had to wear hand-me-downs all his life; he didn't want the same thing for his children. Afterwards, I realized the import of what he had said - apparently non-existence would have been better than being materially deprived, and it was more important for his children to have new clothes than a new brother or sister. The poverty of that outlook seems to me far sadder than the material deprivations that are part of a larger family, and I know myself to be far richer because of each one of my children than I could ever have been without them. "

 Chris wrote on July 12, 2008 4:32 pm:
" ADOPT! ADOPT! ADOPT! Large families are awesome, but there are far too many kids out there without loving families for people to ignoring that option. My wife and I would rather take care of an existing life before creating a new one when there is SO MUCH need for loving families (we have 4 right now, but we hope to adopt many more). We believe that to be the most responsible thing we can do. One of the ways to reduce the number of abortions is for adoption to increase. Please consider adoption. Also, if you do not believe that overpopulation is an issue, imagine what gas prices and the food shortages will be like when 2 billion Chinese join the middle class by 2030. Large families do know that value or recycling, reusing, efficiency, etc., but sustainability in a consumerism-based world economy in a world with finite resources is not something to simply dismiss. If you do not believe me, ask the residents of Easter Island, the Anasazi people, or the inhabitants of Greenland. "

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