Bonding with baby: Attachment parents break from mainstream

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BY STACY DOWNS / McClatchy Newspapers

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Tara Smith wears her 2-month-old son, Ronan, in a fabric sling she sewed.

The sling frees Smith’s hands for household tasks and helping her other children, Lily, 3, and Aden, 6. It is also a symbol of Smith’s commitment to attachment parenting, a child-raising style that advocates extensive physical contact between parents and child as a way of strengthening the familial bond.

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Tara Smith, of Overland Park, Kan., has her 2-month-old son Ronan in a fabric sling she sewed. (Jim Barcus)

Tara Smith, of Overland Park, Kan., has her 2-month-old son Ronan in a fabric sling she sewed. (Jim Barcus)

The 8 ideals of attachment parenting

Preparation for childbirth: Making decisions about birth that allow for immediate bonding between mother and baby.

Emotional responsiveness: Being connected to the baby’s physical needs and spending enjoyable time interacting.

Breast-feeding.

Baby wearing: Using a fabric sling or soft carrier to create close physical contact.

Shared sleep: Sleeping in the same bed so the child is close by for breast-feeding.

Avoiding frequent or prolonged separations from a baby: If both parents work, having a consistent, loving caregiver is the next best option.

Positive discipline: Setting limits for a child in a warm, loving manner.

Maintaining balance in family life: Avoiding “parent burn out” by not neglecting personal needs.

Source: attachmentparenting.org

“This society prizes independence so much, and I believe attachment parenting has made my kids more independent,” says Smith, a 30-year-old stay-at-home mother in Overland Park, Kan. “Aden has no problem running off and playing with other kids because he knows his parents are always here if he needs them.”

The popularity of attachment parenting has grown nationwide largely because of online forums. A Kansas City, Mo.-area forum, www.kcapfamilies.com, has quickly climbed to more than 200 members, including Smith, in the last 18 months. Members of the forum meet at playgroups and events to share information and support one another.

Parents become interested in attachment parenting after reading child-raising books by William and Martha Sears, the doctor-and-nurse husband and wife who collectively have become the modern Dr. Spock. They wrote “The Attachment Parenting Book” (Little, Brown & Co., $14). Others hear about attachment parenting through La Leche League or Mothering magazine; both encourage the approach.

“It sounds like a throwback to good, instinctual parenting,” says Larry Ro-Trock, a psychologist and family therapist in Kansas City. “Kids and parents need to be connected before they separate. A lot of adults who have problems didn’t have a sufficient parental bond.”

Attachment parenting differs from traditional parenting in many ways: Mothers tend to have drug-free births, sometimes at home. They often use cloth diapers, natural baby-care products and organic food.

“Attached parents often question mainstream thinking,” says Brookie-Lee Glaser of Lee’s Summit, Mo. The 22-year-old mother uses the parenting style with her two sons, ages 2 and 10 months, and is opening a store, Happybottomus, next month in downtown Lee’s Summit that will carry attachment parenting supplies, such as fabric slings, and offer classes. “Parents make their own choices based on their research.”

Some tenets of attachment parenting are controversial:

CO-SLEEPING

Amy Lande, a child and family therapist in Overland Park, says attachment parenting is based on the work of British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s. She believes the original principles are solid but fears today’s attachment parenting has evolved into a new form she thinks can be dangerous, especially when parents and their children sleep in one bed.

“It’s a safety issue, especially when you have an infant, adults, blankets and pillows,” says Lande, who counseled a client who slept with her baby, and the infant suffocated.

The American Academy of Pediatrics also cautions against parent-and-child co-sleeping because of the risk of suffocation. Some parents who practice attachment parenting use co-sleep mattresses that secure to the parents’ bed or keep bassinets or cribs in the master bedroom so they can easily breast- feed in the middle of the night.

But some parents who use a king-size bed believe they can safeguard the infant by positioning him or her away from pillows and fluffy bedding. Attachment Parenting International, an organization based in Alpharetta, Ga., advises co-sleeping only for parents who don’t use drugs, alcohol or sleep medications and who have a firm mattress.

PARENTAL INTIMACY

That’s the first thing people ask about attachment parenting because of co-sleeping, attachment parents say. They point out that intimacy doesn’t have to happen in the bedroom.

“You just have to be creative,” Smith says.

Lande has reservations.

“I don’t think it’s good for adults and their relationship. I have a lot of clients who have problems getting their children out of their beds,” she says.

EXTENDED BREAST-FEEDING

American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breast-feeding infants for at least one year for developmental and bonding benefits. But they say children should be given whole milk between the ages of 1 and 2 to get dietary fats needed for development.

Many attachment parents breast-feed their children longer, even past the age of 3. Pediatricians say it’s OK as long as the child also gets whole milk.

Smith breast-fed her son, Aden, until he was 21 months old. She also gave him whole milk.

“I considered breast-feeding like giving a vitamin tablet,” Smith says. “That’s especially relevant during those picky toddler years. Plus, it’s comforting and nurturing.”

Smith’s husband, Derek Smith, at first thought it was weird seeing mothers breast-feeding toddlers.

“The kids can talk,” he told his mother, a lactation consultant. “She replied, ‘So what?’ I didn’t have an argument to that.”

DADS

Attachment parenting often revolves around moms and their kids. Dawud Hasam remembers feeling left out for the first few months of his son’s life.

“Breast-feeding just kind of naturally does that with dads,” he says.

But Hasam says he bonded with his infant son because he was best at swaddling him, wrapping him up like a burrito in a blanket, and rocking him. Hasam also carried his son around the house in a backpack carrier.

Derek Smith has carried his kids next to his body in fabric slings and has fed them pumped breast milk from bottles.

DISCIPLINE

A major aspect of attachment parenting is positive discipline, which means consequences for actions are explained without raising voices or spanking. Many attachment parents don’t give timeouts.

“With negative discipline, more is caught than taught,” Ro-Trock says. “It shows the child it’s OK to yell and argue.”

But Lande says attachment parenting can go overboard, especially when it comes to positive discipline.

“I think it can foster dependency if you meet every need of children toddler-age and older,” she says. “Kids need to learn there are good and bad choices and that it’s OK to fail. They need the chance to become their own person.”