Same-sex couple want rights for themselves, son
They met at a dance. She was standing at the end of the banquet table talking to someone else. Lin Quenzer remembers looking down that long table and seeing her. “I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,” Lin recalls. Before the night was over they would be introduced, get to know each other over a cup of coffee and begin to fall in love.
On March 11 Lin Quenzer and Barb Baier celebrated their 18th anniversary.
Together they have a home, a son, two cats and a dog. They are a family in every sense of the word, except … the law says they are not.
By law they cannot file income taxes jointly, they cannot provide health insurance to one another, they cannot both be parents to 6-year-old Robbie, and they cannot speak or be privy to vital information for making life or death decisions on one another.
Why?
Because they are a same-sex couple. The law, most religions and many people do not recognize their union, their relationship and their family.
That is why Lin and Barb took the bold step of being one of the 12 Stories of Home families. They acknowledge it was a risky decision because in a society where laws protect against racism and sexism, being gay still can get you fired, kicked out of a doctor’s office or killed.
“We wanted to be part of Stories of Home because there are so many negative stereotypes,” says Barb. “It’s important to know about the gays and lesbians in the community so people can realize that what they hear and see in the media is not true.”
Adds Lin, “I’ve decided I will not live my life in fear.”
“We’ve both tried it, and it doesn’t work very well.
So, “We thought we’d share our boring lives,” Lin says. “We’re very average.”
They work. They cook, clean and do laundry. They pay bills, a mortgage and taxes. They talk politics and history. Their number one priority is Robbie. They parent, discipline, nurture and read nightly to Robbie. The family enjoys camping in the summer and making music year round.
And they have made a very personal joint decision to be “out” to fight for the rights democracy affords all other U.S. residents; to educate the public and policymakers, and to show they are very much like every other American family.
Both grew up in small towns; Lin in Mobridge, S.D., Barb in Bloomfield.
“I tried very hard to be straight,” says Lin, who was married for four years. “It nearly broke my mental health, and it definitely broke my wallet,” she says.
Barb was 16 when “I admitted to myself I was a lesbian.”
“It took me 10 years to come out of the closet,” she says.
“It’s really hard to fit into straight society. There is a lot of stress to being gay. As you come out of the closet the advantages are incredible. You’re not worrying about what you’re saying. Not worrying about who sees you at what event. It’s all so complex. When you come out, it all just goes away,” Barb says.
But other issues arise. Barb lost friends. She could have lost her family, but her grandmother issued a decree: “We are a loving family, and we are going to have Barb and Lin here.”
“She told them if you have a problem with this you have to deal with me,” Barb recalls.
“And they didn’t want to deal with her!”
Lin’s parents found out by accident. The couple already had been together for seven years when Lin told her parents that she and Barn were a lesbian couple.
Her parents told her she was going to hell. They lamented that Lin would never give them grandchildren.
“I was 36 years old, and I had never heard my parents ask for grandchildren. I think that stunned me more than their reaction to my being a lesbian,” Lin says.
“They didn’t speak to me for six months,” Lin says.
Then they reconciled. Today they are wonderful grandparents to Robbie, Lin and Barb say.
Robbie’s birth mother selected Lin and Barb to raise her son. He came to the couple at 4 months of age.
His full name is Robbie Quenzer Baier — “with no hyphen,” Barb says.
A hyphen would be illegal, because both members of a same-sex couple cannot legally be parents to the same child. Officially, Quenzer is Robbie’s middle name, and Barb is his adoptive mother.
But for Robbie the legal junk means nothing. He simply has two moms — some of his kindergarten classmates have two moms and dads, it’s just that some have the word “step” in front of their name.
He calls them “mommy Barb,” and “mommy Lin.” And once when he was 2, Robbie corrected a waitress who assumed he was eating out with his grandmas.
“No! One. Two. Two mommies,” Barb recalls him announcing.
It’s because of Robbie that Barb and Lin fight so hard for legal recognition as a family.
“There are over 1,000 different benefits people get from the federal government for being married —a lot of them impact our son,” Barb says.
For example: If Lin were to die, Robbie would not receive any Social Security death benefits. Any money she leaves him will incur hefty inheritance taxes.
The same holds true for the house. If either Barb or Lin were to die, the other would “probably be homeless, because we cannot afford the inheritance taxes,” Barb says.
“We can’t afford to die.”
And truth is, Lin did almost die. She suffers from a rare genetic form of emphysema. Years ago she became so ill she had to go on disability and lost her insurance. Barb’s employer at the time, Lincoln Action Program, switched insurance companies, in part, so the couple could receive domestic partner coverage.
They paid double the premiums and higher taxes; they say the benefits of being able to hire medical specialists saved Lin’s life.
After 18 years, why do they refuse offers to validate their relationship with a commitment ceremony.
“We made a vow to each other that we want the real thing (a legally recognized civil union),” Barb says.
“We will work toward the real thing. Because we deserve it.”
Adds Lin, “Our son deserves it.”
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
On March 11 Lin Quenzer and Barb Baier celebrated their 18th anniversary.
Together they have a home, a son, two cats and a dog. They are a family in every sense of the word, except … the law says they are not.
By law they cannot file income taxes jointly, they cannot provide health insurance to one another, they cannot both be parents to 6-year-old Robbie, and they cannot speak or be privy to vital information for making life or death decisions on one another.
Why?
Because they are a same-sex couple. The law, most religions and many people do not recognize their union, their relationship and their family.
That is why Lin and Barb took the bold step of being one of the 12 Stories of Home families. They acknowledge it was a risky decision because in a society where laws protect against racism and sexism, being gay still can get you fired, kicked out of a doctor’s office or killed.
“We wanted to be part of Stories of Home because there are so many negative stereotypes,” says Barb. “It’s important to know about the gays and lesbians in the community so people can realize that what they hear and see in the media is not true.”
Adds Lin, “I’ve decided I will not live my life in fear.”
“We’ve both tried it, and it doesn’t work very well.
So, “We thought we’d share our boring lives,” Lin says. “We’re very average.”
They work. They cook, clean and do laundry. They pay bills, a mortgage and taxes. They talk politics and history. Their number one priority is Robbie. They parent, discipline, nurture and read nightly to Robbie. The family enjoys camping in the summer and making music year round.
And they have made a very personal joint decision to be “out” to fight for the rights democracy affords all other U.S. residents; to educate the public and policymakers, and to show they are very much like every other American family.
Both grew up in small towns; Lin in Mobridge, S.D., Barb in Bloomfield.
“I tried very hard to be straight,” says Lin, who was married for four years. “It nearly broke my mental health, and it definitely broke my wallet,” she says.
Barb was 16 when “I admitted to myself I was a lesbian.”
“It took me 10 years to come out of the closet,” she says.
“It’s really hard to fit into straight society. There is a lot of stress to being gay. As you come out of the closet the advantages are incredible. You’re not worrying about what you’re saying. Not worrying about who sees you at what event. It’s all so complex. When you come out, it all just goes away,” Barb says.
But other issues arise. Barb lost friends. She could have lost her family, but her grandmother issued a decree: “We are a loving family, and we are going to have Barb and Lin here.”
“She told them if you have a problem with this you have to deal with me,” Barb recalls.
“And they didn’t want to deal with her!”
Lin’s parents found out by accident. The couple already had been together for seven years when Lin told her parents that she and Barn were a lesbian couple.
Her parents told her she was going to hell. They lamented that Lin would never give them grandchildren.
“I was 36 years old, and I had never heard my parents ask for grandchildren. I think that stunned me more than their reaction to my being a lesbian,” Lin says.
“They didn’t speak to me for six months,” Lin says.
Then they reconciled. Today they are wonderful grandparents to Robbie, Lin and Barb say.
Robbie’s birth mother selected Lin and Barb to raise her son. He came to the couple at 4 months of age.
His full name is Robbie Quenzer Baier — “with no hyphen,” Barb says.
A hyphen would be illegal, because both members of a same-sex couple cannot legally be parents to the same child. Officially, Quenzer is Robbie’s middle name, and Barb is his adoptive mother.
But for Robbie the legal junk means nothing. He simply has two moms — some of his kindergarten classmates have two moms and dads, it’s just that some have the word “step” in front of their name.
He calls them “mommy Barb,” and “mommy Lin.” And once when he was 2, Robbie corrected a waitress who assumed he was eating out with his grandmas.
“No! One. Two. Two mommies,” Barb recalls him announcing.
It’s because of Robbie that Barb and Lin fight so hard for legal recognition as a family.
“There are over 1,000 different benefits people get from the federal government for being married —a lot of them impact our son,” Barb says.
For example: If Lin were to die, Robbie would not receive any Social Security death benefits. Any money she leaves him will incur hefty inheritance taxes.
The same holds true for the house. If either Barb or Lin were to die, the other would “probably be homeless, because we cannot afford the inheritance taxes,” Barb says.
“We can’t afford to die.”
And truth is, Lin did almost die. She suffers from a rare genetic form of emphysema. Years ago she became so ill she had to go on disability and lost her insurance. Barb’s employer at the time, Lincoln Action Program, switched insurance companies, in part, so the couple could receive domestic partner coverage.
They paid double the premiums and higher taxes; they say the benefits of being able to hire medical specialists saved Lin’s life.
After 18 years, why do they refuse offers to validate their relationship with a commitment ceremony.
“We made a vow to each other that we want the real thing (a legally recognized civil union),” Barb says.
“We will work toward the real thing. Because we deserve it.”
Adds Lin, “Our son deserves it.”
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
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