Episode 4 recap: Revenge of the Nerds ... or Sith ... or something

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Who’s got the best dogs in town? We do! We do! According to “Tommy Lee Goes to College,” wieners at a Memorial Stadium tailgate are officially -- you guessed it -- “crackin’.” And you knew it was only a matter of time until the Der Wienerschlinger guy got ahold of the show’s main character, too. In all sincerity, I think the producers deserve all the credit in the world for being able to stretch their existing material so much that the obvious “Tommy Lee Holds Gigantic Wiener In His Hand” joke everyone was waiting for didn’t show up until the start of the fourth episode.

Over at a nearby tailgate, Tommy’s sampling mountain oysters. And for those of you who don’t know what these delicacies are, they’re fried animal testicles, you city-slickin' faux-bohemian pseudo-intellectual blue-state elitist.  As we’re taken away to a place where the good times roll, we suddenly get a sense of who this show’s target demographic is — teenaged boys who make Beavis and Butt-Head look like Warren Buffett and Bill Gates.

Post-intro. Campus is still looking good in the late fall, and Our Esteemed Narrator informs us that Tommy’s English prof, Fran Kaye, teaches UNL’s “literary elite.” That must explain why I never had her as a teacher, even though I was an English minor. Today, Fran’s class is going to study a different sort of book, Tommyland — which, amazing coincidence of coincidences, was released the very same week Tommy arrived on campus! Weird, huh?

Kaye can barely mask the contempt in her voice when she announces that the first part of class will be for discussing Tommyland, but hey, the Chancellor has indicated that this show is a recruiting tool for the U., so she grudgingly plays along. Discussion focuses on Tommyland’s infamous first chapter, in which Tommy has an argument with his, um, male member. Kaye seizes the awkward prose as a teaching opportunity. “Well, let’s look at the talking penis idea,” she says, reaching out with her right hand and grasping at invisible straws. “... it’s terrific. It’s the most powerful symbol we have in human stories.” Which makes me wonder, then, why HBO’s prison-drama Oz didn’t do better in the Nielsens, but that’s another matter entirely.

Kaye asks the class for input, and asks with a tone laced with skepticism: “What does it mean?” It means an aging rock star sold his stories of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll to a major publisher for six figures, Prof. Kaye. It might not be Prairie Schooner, but this is, after all, the United States of Entertainment.

The English students attempt in vain to answer Kaye’s question with strained attempts to affix meaning to the opening chapter. Tommy sits around and looks embarrassed. No meaning really emerges from the student analysis, so Kaye turns them to the class’s original syllabus and more serious literature.

Intramural fields near Abel-Sandoz. A bunch of shirtless young men are partaking in a game of good old flag football, boolah-boolah-rah-rah. The most important thing from this scene to note is that Tommy exhibits surprising mobility in the pocket and has a fairly live arm. We’re led to believe Mr. Lee’s team wins the flag football game, because they all enjoy a joyous, not to mention sweaty and shirtless, hugfest at midfield at game’s end. Sigh, there is no place like Nebraska, where the boys are the squarest.

Bison Witches on P Street. Tommy and pals are hangin’ out, y’know, knockin’ back a few beers in celebration of their hard-fought flag-football victory. There’s beer and drinking in nearly every shot, and here’s finally where the aging reactionaries around the state get to cluck-cluck about how the show doesn’t reflect the state of Nebraska’s true values. You know, basically the same thing they’re saying about Chuck Hagel right now. Yet, anyone who’s been downtown after a football victory knows that getting really snockered following a game is, in fact, the most traditional Nebraska value there is.

Tommy says he wants to join a fraternity, and the men of Alpha Gamma Nu (Est. 1953, by the way) are more than willing to give our hero a tryout. In the next scene, Tommy is among a row of other pledges standing in a line in front of a fraternity member dressed in a robe that reminds one of Darth Sidious, the creepy-evil Emperor in the Star Wars prequels. It is unlikely this kid is a Sith, however, since we know from Yoda in Episode I that they generally travel in twos, one master and one apprentice. I digress.

In a one-on-one later, Alpha Gamma Nu’s pledge father schools Tommy in the initiation duties of a pledge. Basically, that means dishes and some toilet scrubbin’. And here’s where, unfortunately, this one-joke show runs thin — watching Tommy scrub his fraternity brothers’ dirty dishes and grubby toilet bowls is really a rehash of him messing up in the drumline, scratching his head in Chem 109 or trying out for the track team. There’s nothing new to learn here, except that the leftover chicken scraps on Alpha Gamma Nu’s dirty plates smell like “feet and ass,” according to our show’s main man.

Undaunted, Tommy pledges (heh. Get it?) to start his own fraternity. So he and Matt decide to leave their cramped Neihardt Hall quarters behind to move into their own frat house — a bright-red edifice with (naturally) a Husker N on the roof. It’s the House of Lee! Fade to black.

Back, and we’re off to class on an Orange County Chopper style motorbike. Roaring chopper noises persist, like the beginning of “Girls, Girls, Girls,” except — ho! — it’s just a bicycle with big handlebars. Call me duped. It’s time to meet Natalie, the Tot Hooter, who today is wearing a purple v-neck with a jean skirt that is shorter than Robin Williams’ attention span. And I must say, I’ve been a little skeptical about Natalie thus far, but in this scene she exhibits incredible range as an actress. She’s supposed to be the chemistry tutor, see. But today she’s helping Tommy with horticulture. That girl must be wicked smart.

So, Natalie spends some time quizzing Mr. Lee on various kinds, attempting to fill the holes in his head with various memory tricks. For example, she says while holding a piece of greenery in front of Tommy, this leaf has the word “hippo” in it. And it’s a big leaf. And so are hippoes! It seems like a good plan, but my fear is that come test time, he’ll think of “hippoPOTamus” when he encounters the plant and write down Cannabis instead. The scene painfully slogs on with Natalie urging Tommy to associate Turkish Filbert with an imaginary cartoon character called Filbert the Turkey. Which is sort of sad and funny at the same time, not to mention unnecessary, since Tommy learned about Turkish Filbert all the way back in Episode 1. But who’s really keeping track except the guy in charge of writing these breezy recaps, anyways.

There is, admittedly, some modicum of entertainment to be had from watching the long-slumbering synapses in Tommy’s noggin attempt to fire. But not that much. Natalie mercifully puts the scene out of its misery and promises Tommy that if he aces the hort test, the drinks are on her. Oh, the prospect of drinks with the Tot Hooter. Now it’s business.

Back at the House of Lee. It appears that roommate Matt is going to have to carry the organizational load of assembling the new pledges. And honestly, it’s nice to see that he’s capable of doing more than playing Gran Turismo on the PS2. House of Lee throws a barbecue to attract new pledges, and from here it becomes a scene out of Revenge of the Nerds. Lei, the Asian student who was a roomie candidate in Episode 1, is there; which means he plays the role of Toshi. Then there’s Jon, who reminds one of Poindexter following the punk-up. Tyrie, the only African-American in the crowd, looks way too cool to be hanging around with this crew, but does so anyway. And then there’s Very Large Nick. More on these guys later, maybe.

Horticulture quiz time. Prof. Sutton continues to call Tommy “Tom,” which is a nice professorial touch. Some more of the familiar plotline “Watch Tommy Lee Think Really Hard” commences ... and here’s where the memory device of Filbert the Turkey earns its stripes. Amazingly, Tommy seems to do well on his test. That Natalie. She’s a genius. To commercial we go.

Grade time. Prof. Sutton is sitting in his office, and seems genuinely surprised to see Tommy at the door. He shouldn’t, really; there’s a whole film crew inside the guy’s office. Turns out Tommy got an 87.5, or a B-plus, on the quiz. Booyah! Our boy is smart. They show fireworks amid triumphant music and chants of “B-Plus! B-Plus! B-Plus!” Too bad they wasted the “Hallelujah” music gimmick for Natalie’s first entrance, or that would’ve been perfect here.

Sandy’s Bar, and the Tot Hooter is buying drinks for her star pupil. I take it back, the poor girl can’t act a lick. She’s obviously been told to swirl her finger in her drink sexily, lick her finger and then do a saucy little hair-flip, but it looks about as natural as Pamela Anderson’s ... hair color. Which makes me think that before the show, the writers must have been hoping for a little “love” subplot between Tommy and Natalie -- or at the very least, some good old-fashioned sexual tension. But it doesn’t seem to be working in the least. To Natalie’s credit, however, she IS the best dressed woman to ever step foot in Sandy’s. That’s gotta count for something.

Montage time. Matt and Tommy are rounding up their fraternity pledges by running around campus dressed in black and yelling into bullhorns. They tackle drum major Ben Coleman (remember him?), then go after Lei, Jon, Nick and Tyrie. By the end of this scene you just hope these young, strapping lads are up for carrying Tommy back to the Frat House, because that’s one out-of-shape dude; all his huffing and puffing made me winded, and I was just watching.

More darkened rooms and fraternity rituals, only this time, Matt and Tommy are in the Sith robes. At last, they will reveal themselves to the Jedi. At last, they will have their revenge (insert maniacal laugh here). And the first task in their quest for domination of the galaxy is ... well, a rehash of the end of the first episode of the series, actually.  A party. This one has togas, though. And an official House of Lee chant, which goes something like this:

Here’s to the friends of Tommy

Here’s to the house of Lee

And while we’re here we’ll drink more beer

And see how drunk we’ll be.

After more drunken festivities, which include a frightening scene featuring Lei grind-dancing with two fake-blonde Unihotties, police sirens call this week’s episode to an end. And that leaves one to wonder — what on God's green earth can they do in the final two episodes of this show? That's another whole hour, and they ran out of fresh material sometime in episode 3. Up until now, I’ve sort of defended the show to the finger-waving NPR crowd, but after tonight it’s gonna be tough. Not as tough as suppressing laughter while watching Natalie say “Filbert the Turkey” or try to play sexy, but tough nonetheless.

Until next week.