Episode 6 recap: The grand finale
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BY STEVE SMITH, journalstar.com. Episode aired 9.13.2005.
They used to say that two is company and three is a crowd. Then a show in the late '70s made three company, so that apparently made four a crowd. Which leads one to wonder — what is five? Or, more importantly, six? Because that’s the number of episodes that Tommy Lee goes to College lasted. And how do you cap the final episode of this landmark six-part series? By throwing in enough shots of Natalie's cleavage to make Aaron Spelling blush, that's how.
We begin with sweeping aerial shots of campus as Our Esteemed Narrator sets the table for us: It’s time for final exams. Well, not really, since Tommy departed campus sometime in early November. But just play along. It’s reality TV.
In a series of CONFESSIONALS!, we hear from all the chief academic influences in our hero’s time at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. First it’s physics prof Tim Gay, who says when you’re a student at a major university you have to study hard. Enlightening. Then it’s the Chance, Harvey Perlman himself, making his first appearance in TLGTC since Episode 1, saying he expected Tommy to take his time at UNL seriously. Then it’s Natalie, the so-called Hot Tutor, admitting she feels a lot of pressure for Tommy to do well on his “finals.” Yeah, sure, Natalie, it’s all about you, isn’t it. As we’re taken to a place where the good times roll, we’re left to ponder — does Tommy have what it takes to be a Cornhusker? The answer to that is this: Only if you can run a 4.3 forty and can bench-press a Volkswagen, kid.
Post-intro, and Our Esteemed Narrator tells us it’s Tommy’s “lost chonce” (that’s “last chance” in a fake British accent) to cram for his fake finals. It’s off to Horticulture class, where we’re treated to more scenes of Tommy wincing at leaf specimens and more cameos of squirrels. And now that the series is winding down, it’s time to address the squirrel issue. Is campus THAT overrun with these bushy-tailed rodents? Or are they just really fascinating to a film crew from Southern California? Because, seriously, they’re in every episode. They’re not THAT cute. Professor Sutton says the “final” will be on Wednesday. Cue foreboding music here! Bum-bum-BUUUUMMM!
English 245B. Tommy’s final paper on the “Deer Woman” series is ALSO due on Wednesday. Man, that’s like Motley Crue playing two gigs in a row at the same sold-out arena in the 1980s, or the same half-full Indian casino in the 21st century. And as if that’s not enough, Tommy has yet to deal with the Big Kahuna, the Whole Enchilada, the Mother of All Classes — Chem 109. We get a quick recap of all the crazy, confusing stuff that’s happened to Tommy in this class, which is hopelessly over his head, though from careful review of the tape it looks like the only lecture he attended was about wavelength and hydrogen bonding. Also, Tommy continues to wear the same red Husker hoodie to Chem 109 that he’s won the last six episodes. If I wasn’t a God-fearin’ salt-of-the-earth, doin’-business-with-a-handshake-and-my-word-of-honor Nebraskan, I’d think that those Chem 109 scenes were the beneficiary of some creative editing. But, nah. I’m sure the producers were completely honest with me. By the way, Tommy has a Chem “final” on Thursday. Again, bum-bum-BUUUUUM!
Hoping for some guidance in his time of need, Tommy turns to Tim Gay. Tommy tells Gay he’s panicking. Gay says to remain calm and not totally freak out. Hey, this guy isn’t Tommy’s “academic mentor” for nothing. Gay says that if Tommy isn’t getting a course to go talk to the professor. So the next scene has him sitting with Fran Kaye in her darkened, dank and drippy Andrews Hall office. Fran peppers Tommy with a load of questions, and he answers with basically the same answer each time: “Hunh, that’s a good question.” After a while, you wish he’d just say what he’s thinking, which is: “Listen, lady, I’m a freakin' rock star, all right? I’ve sold 40 million records and made a sex tape with Pamela Anderson. I don’t really give a hoot about Elsie’s Business.” But instead, the scene ends with Matt and Tommy at Abel Hall doing more laundry. The people in charge of this show are seriously running out of material.
It wouldn’t be an episode of Tommy Lee Goes to College without a study montage, so we get that out of the way here. Natalie shows up for her final session of trying to teach a dumb dog some 100-level tricks, and for a while there it looks like Tommy is actually starting to pick up some chem basics. As we go to commercial, we have to wonder: Is there enough moxie in Tommy to stage a fourth-quarter rally? And: Would “moxie” make a good buzzword for Tommy, along with “rad,” “killer” and “bananas”? The answers, we hope, when we return from commercial. Out.
Back. “Finals week” has arrived. First up, horticulture. Sutton still calls Tommy “Tom,” which is the most charming touch of this entire show. After scribbling down the details of ten separate leaf samples and yet another squirrel sighting (this time with the voice of Tommy’s mom), the exam comes to a close. No Turkish Filbert, and no other ditchweed for Tommy to identify, so we’re left wondering how well he may have done.
Next, it’s the final paper for English. As he’s writing, Tommy hears Kaye’s voice echoing in his head: “Why would someone write this?” His answer: “I have no idea. That’s like asking me why I wrote Girls, Girls, Girls.” Well, that’s fairly obvious. You did it so you could party with a bunch of strippers in the X-rated video that MTV wouldn’t show. Back when it used to show videos, that is. Eventually, dawn breaks and he gets the paper done. Yay.
Finally, it’s time for the Chem 109 “final.” As he’s taking the test, we see a bunch of faces and voices swirling around Tommy’s head, confusing our poor tortured student’s thought processes. Eventually, they all turn into Lil Red, that inflatable hellspawn of a mascot that in most Husker fans’ opinions needs to meet the business end of a Lawn Dart. I had high hopes that Lil Red wouldn’t make it into the show, and in the second-to-last segment of the final show, my hopes were finally dashed. Forget about TBS constantly showing rickety old barns and a bunch of dried-up cornstalks during their college football pregame shows to illustrate the state of Nebraska. Thanks to that stupid mascot our national image is now officially ruined. At one point, Tommy squints and says “Man, this is tough.” Tell us about it. To commercial we go.
Back, and we’re in the series’ home stretch. Reeling from exams, Tommy goes on a farewell tour around campus, then promises to call it quits for good. If only he and his Motley Crue would just do the same. The chemistry professor tells him he respects Tommy’s efforts. That’s Professorese for “You only sat in on one lecture so you flunked the course, moron.” Sutton, the horticulture teacher, wistfully suggests Tommy could continue his studies by examining plants in Southern California. Yeah. Right. That’s gonna happen. And finally, Fran Kaye, with contempt practically leaking out between her teeth, wishes Tommy good luck and tells him to “rock on.” Man, UNL professors are really, really ... rad.
It’s report-card time, and Chancellor Perlman has the honors. The Chance tells Tommy how impressed he was with his effort. Tommy returns the love. And at last, it’s the moment of truth — Tommy gets his “grades.” For the record they are a C-plus in English; a B in horticulture and ... an F in chemistry. As it turns out, Tommy got a 10 percent on his chemistry test. That’s 10 out of 100 possible credits. Hmmm, perhaps Natalie isn’t such a great tutor after all.
CONFESSIONAL! The Chance thinks Tommy took his classes seriously (cut to scenes of the toga party) and applied himself. Awww, that’s sweet. Handshakes abound, and the Tommy Lee Era at UNL is officially over.
So, what’s left to do with finals in the bag? Throw a party at the Roccoco Theatre,that’s what! Everyone who’s anyone is there — Lei the English-challenged Asian student, Brother Big Boned, Harvey, Butch Hug and all the professors, and, of course, Natalie. Tonight she’s wearing a little black dress. Emphasis on “little.” Matt’s on stage pretending to play a guitar as the UNL drumline keeps beat to a hip-hop version of the Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right (To Party)”.
As we fade away and our excellent adventure comes to an end, we learn, Animal House-style, what happened to all of our show’s main characters. Matt went to work for the Unicameral, presumably to show state senators how to master Gran Turismo on PS2. Natalie got into Med School and remains hot in that FHM/Maxim sort of way. Tim Gay and Fran Kaye (hey, that rhymes) both still teach at UNL. And Tommy? He promises to continue his studies in hopes of becoming Dr. Tommy Lee.
And so that’s it, thankfully. In my humble opinion the show started to tank shortly after Episode 3, when Tommy performed at halftime of the Baylor game. If it hadn’t been set in Lincoln, this show would have been about as watchable as sausage being made. But it did have its redeeming qualities: Going in, there was a ton of cluck-clucking from the NPR-listening, PBS-totebag-carrying stuffity-stuffs that this show was going to make Nebraskans look like a bunch of unedjimucated hilljacks, but that never really materialized. Granted, it wasn’t a sampling of high culture, but neither is 95 percent of the other crap on the boob tube these days. I mean, Tommy Lee Goes To College came on after a reality show about a bunch of morbidly obese slobs humiliating themselves for an hour and a half in a desperate attempt to lose some weight. And us in Nebraska? Now we kick back, get back to our old-fashioned ways, and wait for the applications to come rolling in to UNL. Some advice to the admissions folks, though: If you see the names “Neil, Vince” or “Michaels, Bret” on any of the applications, you might want to think twice before letting them take chemistry.
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