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L.A. columnist asks for host for USC game weekend

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By MELISSA LEE / Lincoln Journal Star

Wednesday, Aug 01, 2007 - 01:43:38 pm CDT

Cornhusker fans, here’s your chance to put your very best Midwestern hospitality on display.

Los Angeles Times columnist T.J. Simers issued a plea Tuesday for a kind Nebraskan or two to show him a good time while he’s in town for the Huskers’ Sept. 15 showdown against Southern Cal.

But if Simers was hoping for a warm welcome, he might not have picked the best route.

Story Photo
T.J. Simers

Related Link(s):


Simers' original column

Among his choice words for Nebraska:

“… I was thinking it’d be interesting to stay with a real-live-boring Cornhuskers family somewhere out on the prairie so I can feel what it’s like to have nothing to look forward to in my life other than a Saturday afternoon football game.”

“(Football is) all they have, everyone wearing red, and sitting there like plump, ripe tomatoes with corncobs stuck to their heads, singing, ‘There is no place like Nebraska.’”

Simers also pokes fun at the state’s Wal-Marts, calls Nebraska women “big-butted” and marvels that thousands of people here have never tasted a Slurpee.

And — how’s this for bold — he calls this year’s USC crew “the greatest football team ever assembled.”

Fans of the 1971 or 1995 Huskers might beg to differ.

So: Would you fix up your guest room for this guy?

“Um, probably not,” said Cheyenne Hemphill, owner of Husker Headquarters at 1120 P St. and 56th Street and Nebraska 2.

“I just thought (Simers’ column) was kind of ridiculous.”

Fittingly, Hemphill’s shop already is selling T-shirts screaming “Beat the Booty out of USC,” an homage to quarterback John David Booty.

Hemphill knows it’ll be a tough fight against the Trojans, contenders for the national title just two years ago. But while he says he respects good football, he takes issue with Simers’ potshots and fires back with some of his own.

“Maybe he can see and breathe something other than his smog-infested city,” Hemphill said. “There’s too much Botox, fake racks and smog there.”

Added fellow Husker Headquarters employee Andrew Earnest: “To make (Simers) feel at home, we will use our best, like, you know, Valley girl impressions or whatever.”

Of course, not all Californians believe Nebraska has nothing to offer, pointed out Sarah Kaiman, a Los Angeles attorney and former treasurer of Californians for Nebraska, an NU alumni group for diehard Husker fans.

And, Kaiman noted, Simers’ Tuesday column was hardly unusual. He’s notorious for taking shots every chance he gets, and not just against Nebraska.

Simers himself insists he might have a change of heart during his stay here. He clearly has much to learn: The poor guy has never been to Memorial Stadium, never even sampled a Runza.

“I’m interested in being educated … I was trying to take advantage of Nebraska hospitality,” he said. “I thought, maybe I could stay in different people’s homes and get a feel for how desperate or solitary life is there.”

In fact, he says, he’s already received a few invitations from open-hearted Nebraskans. (He’s running background checks as we speak.)

He’s also received some, ah, less friendly e-mails.

“Apparently over the years they’ve learned foul language in Nebraska,” he said.

Should you care to add your thoughts, or offer up a spare pillow to Simers, write him at t.j.simers@latimes.com.

And who knows? Present him with a Slurpee and his very own cornhead and you just may win him over.

Reach Melissa Lee at 473-2682 or mlee@journalstar.com.


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Kory wrote on August 1, 2007 12:55 am:
" I am a nebraskan! I live in lincoln. I have to say, we need to let go of the RUNZA thing. They are not that good! "
Keep giving us bulletin board material Mr. Simers wrote on August 1, 2007 1:36 am:
" I would be great for our team to get added incentive for pulling the upset and sending the University of Spoiled Children and their fans home with their tails between their legs. What a long, quiet flight home that would be. There is absolutely no way that they can be annointed the best college team ever one month before the season even starts. Honestly that column is unoriginal and laughable that he even gets paid for writing that garbage!! "
Murder Rates wrote on August 1, 2007 3:06 am:
" Los Angeles has 6x the per capita murder rate that Lincoln does. Let's see bright boy make a joke about that, maybe about people dying to live there. "
Obviously wrote on August 1, 2007 6:01 am:
" See how easy it is for somwone to gain fame. All this guy has to do is poke fun/insults at us about things he knows nothing about and he gets a big column in a major newspaper. The best way to respond to a clown like this is to not respond at all. Don't fall for it; its a setup. "
Dekalb Resident wrote on August 1, 2007 6:39 am:
" T.J. don't forget your roots there bud, come on back to Dekalb, IA for some fun! "
JT wrote on August 1, 2007 6:53 am:
" Siemers is just a Skip Bayless clone, they have no talent so they have to say stupid things to inflame readers. "
John wrote on August 1, 2007 7:25 am:
" I live in Lincoln, and I really don't see where anything he said isn't true. And yeah, its time to let go of the Runza thing. "
The Good Life wrote on August 1, 2007 7:52 am:
" Come on over Mr. Simers, we'll teach you to throw bales in the 98 degree/95% humidity Nebraska summer and make a real man out of you. I got your big Nebraska butt right here sweetie! "
Jeez Louise wrote on August 1, 2007 8:01 am:
" This guy is commenting on the looks of women? This buck-toothed toupee wearing flab-face? "
Jeff Alumni wrote on August 1, 2007 8:27 am:
" He is a graduate of a directional school in Illinois. "
Doc wrote on August 1, 2007 8:58 am:
" T.J. we don't want you to learn about Nebraska. We want you to stay in LA where you can see and touch the air that you breathe. Where you can have fun with people like Paris, Brittney and Lindsay. Where a commute is really a parking lot. Where English is a second language. Where huge state debt is commonplace. Where a 3 bedroom ranch is priced like a mansion. No, T.J. please just watch the game on TV and be glad you didn't make the trip. "
well... wrote on August 1, 2007 9:21 am:
" This story is helping him achieve his goal. He wants to get everyone here all riled up with his column. Don't give his poor attempt at humor any ammunition by getting all upset and offended. If this is the best he can come up with, that's pretty bad. Just leave it alone... "
Jason wrote on August 1, 2007 9:23 am:
" I haven't seen any medical staff or law enforcement from Bryan, St. E's, or the Lancaster County Sheriff's Dept. leaving homeless patients in the street either. I guess if that's "something to do" then I'll stay bored. Besides, 1. I'd rather be in NoCal, and 2. Woody Paige was better at giving us grief, so we're immune. "
Bob wrote on August 1, 2007 9:26 am:
" Agreed, Runzas (aka cabbage tubes) are overrated. You should also know that by responding to this clown, you're playing right into his hand. Take the high road folks...it's got a better view. "
WHAT EVER wrote on August 1, 2007 9:26 am:
" What a jerk.... "
Mike wrote on August 1, 2007 10:17 am:
" I think TJ's descriptions of Nebraskans are dead on!! I've lived here my entire life, I believe he has us pegged for sure, good job TJ! "
Jen Chandler wrote on August 1, 2007 10:38 am:
" I guess they breed ignorance in places like California too. For someone who is so enlightend he seems to have an awefully small mind. "
Ernie Johnson wrote on August 1, 2007 11:03 am:
" I've got a nice dumpster he can stay in. The rats at the bottom are particularly amenable during football weekends. Midwestern hospitality? I'm from the South, where in football we take the enemy seriously. "
Herb wrote on August 1, 2007 11:17 am:
" He is wrong, oh so wrong about a couple of things. The women here are not big-butted. Just walking through the mall I can tell you they are plain fat all over and that crack about waiting for nothing to happen in our lives! I pretty much look forward to retirement. Not only that but I tried a slurpee one time with my corn hat on while singing "there is no Place Like Nebraska" at the USC game and no one dared challange me there in L.A. As for the women in L.A. with the big racks and stuff, we could use a little of that here. For sure at my house. One thing he might be right about, our great teams were ground teams and they can not win against that West Coast Offense so USC just might be the greatest ever. No one seems to know it here but it was Don Coryell of the San Diego Chargers who started the WC offense and the 49ers picked it up from him. So I hope the cornhuskers can beat USC at their own strategy, the WC offense. That would feel good. But it just may not happen folks. "
Hop wrote on August 1, 2007 11:23 am:
" This guy is doing us a favor. If the granola bunch out there in La La Land thinks it's so backwards here, then maybe they will stay away. "
Vernon wrote on August 1, 2007 12:10 pm:
" When a person starts out in bashing your state it's hard to be friendly.. It's people like this still beleive that we are still fighting Indians. "
ME wrote on August 1, 2007 12:12 pm:
" I think we're missing the point on this. The shots he tried to take on our lifestyle are the most unoriginal, boring stereotypes we've all heard for years. What caught my attention was his references to having nothing better to do than follow the Huskers. I don't know how you can take that as an insult? How many recruits have been quoted speaking about how they love the fact that we live and die by the Huskers? In the end if he has done anything, it's giving us some bulletin board material, letting potential recruits in Cali know how big the game is out here, and reminding us how proud we are of our teams, our state and our culture. GBR! "
TJ = Woody Paige wrote on August 1, 2007 12:15 pm:
" TJ should increase his fiber intake to become more regular. "
Rick wrote on August 1, 2007 12:24 pm:
" Why is this guy writing about a game that is over a month and a half away if there's so much to do in LA? "
jo wrote on August 1, 2007 12:29 pm:
" Although it is pretty much the same thing he wrote last year, I thought it was kind of funny. His next article should be about how people in the midwest can't take a joke. lighten up. "
USC wrote on August 1, 2007 12:41 pm:
" USC football fans are a joke. While there are undoubtedly a conglomerate of life-long and loyal fans, the majority of their fans have come out of the wood-work over the past five years because it is the trendy thing to do in SoCal. Given the population of the area, you would think they would sell out every home game. Nope. Only the big ones. They sold out 6 of their 7 home games last year -- and that was a school record for the third straight year! Meanwhile, we continue to support our team, regardless of the opponent and NU's record, year in and year out. You watch, should USC struggle in the coming years (and by struggle I mean no BCS appearances), the Coliseum will find itself half fully yet again. "
Jenna wrote on August 1, 2007 1:00 pm:
" Runzas are good. And we may be big-butted, but we can survive a cold winter. Those emaciated big-racked women would freeze to death. "
Lisa wrote on August 1, 2007 1:01 pm:
" He's probably never had a real steak either. Although my opinions are not far off from his about Nebraskans in GENERAL, I do think they are in true journalism fun. I've lived in Lincoln all my life, but route for USC just to make my family and friends mad :) I LOVE San Diego. Have fun staying in Nebraska - I like the comment bailing hay at 98/95% humidity too. "
Joe wrote on August 1, 2007 1:29 pm:
" I thought it was funny. Maybe not all true, but funny. I can't wait for USC to come into Lincoln and hang 40 points on Nebraska. That will surely make my weekend. Yes, I do live in Lincoln, and yes I agree, leave the Runza's alone they are more than gross. "
Mark wrote on August 1, 2007 1:32 pm:
" Wow. A lot of people are taking this personally. But, I came here to say this: The reason USC games are not consistently sold out is probably exactly the reason he gave - they have other things to do and we don't! There is nothing else to do on a fall Saturday in Lincoln. Man, oh man, did he peg Nebraska pretty well. You guys fell right into his trap. "
DJ wrote on August 1, 2007 1:34 pm:
" It's funny that Mr. Simers takes such cheap shots at Nebraska and the midwest considering he went to college and worked at the newspaper in Dekalb, Ill. You know, home of the Dekalb Cornfest? This LA guy is a fraud. "
Chris wrote on August 1, 2007 1:36 pm:
" Ah, he's just upset because USC is going to lose when they come to town and he knows it. "
Ryan wrote on August 1, 2007 1:46 pm:
" This is just flame bait. This columnist is just trying to get a reaction. Even the USC fans cannot stand this guy. "
T. Morg wrote on August 1, 2007 3:52 pm:
" There is some merit to this column folks..Now why is it this article drummed up so much attention and so quickly? Because us Nebraskan's really do put to much emphasis on the success of Husker football. "
Mike Honcho wrote on August 1, 2007 4:11 pm:
" "Runzas" from Runza...not so good. Actual homemade, non-commercialized bierock...delicious. Saturday afternoons in Nebraska are for football, fishing, and hunting...the latter two they can't do in Cali because the streams are too polluted, and fur is a fashion faux pas out there...plus, the people are prey for the mountain lions out there. "
Kristine wrote on August 1, 2007 4:22 pm:
" It's always amused me that the real people that fit this guy's description have no idea that's who they are..... Never understood how so many people that aren't UNL alumni can get so touchy and emotional over a loss, or a coach, or a little trash talk from the big city. And I love runza. "
Eric wrote on August 1, 2007 4:29 pm:
" While we are talking about Runza we might as well add Valentino's to the list. ANYONE who has ever tasted real Italian food knows the stuff they have is far from "Tradition". Bland and cold is what I've always experienced. "
Jeff wrote on August 1, 2007 4:37 pm:
" I went to read the original article, but it makes me sign up for the LA Times. Why would I want to read that junk? I can watch Access Hollywood for a good laugh!! Talk about boring!! Paris, Brittany, Nicole, Lindsay. Great role models in LA!! Wouldn't you want your daughter to live in LA so they can follow in the footsteps of LA's finest? Let's talk football and leave your jnnk in LA TJ! "
MJ wrote on August 1, 2007 4:43 pm:
" Valentinos pizza is awesome, and while a runza sandwich may be gross, their burgers and fries are awesome! And as for the columnist, he's just upset because the cars on our interstate actually move and we breathe a little something called fresh air. "
Tim C, UNL Alum, Dec 1991 wrote on August 1, 2007 4:57 pm:
" I think this guy is a Woody Paige wanna-be, just like the pesky fly that won't leave you alone. I went to the USC game last September and from what I can tell, the columnists there were expecting 30,000 people if coveralls, with corn cobs sticking out of our pockets, but once we were there, they were truly impressed with the class we showed. I heard the comments that NU fans were much more behaved, respectful and knowledgable than Oklahoma and Texas fans (USC had played both within the last 2 years). I guess we'll just give him a load of Nebraska hospitality, then we can enjoy reading him eat crow. "
Eric wrote on August 1, 2007 5:21 pm:
" Im sorry, but if all I had to eat was a RUNZA, I would starve to death. They are disgusting. "
WE wrote on August 1, 2007 5:49 pm:
" Take the man to Rulo and drop him off at their bars for a night on the town. There are a few spots in Omaha that would make him feel right at home too. And how did this whole discussion end up being more about Runza than anything else? "
Come on in! wrote on August 1, 2007 6:00 pm:
" You can stay at my house TJ. Have a Omaha Steak,and some fresh sweet corn right off the grill. Sit with a bunch of people who still say "Please" and "Thank You". Some of the greatest fans in college football. You can watch my 18 month old daughter run around the room in her little husker cheerleader outfit, shaking a pom pom and cheering "Do Bid Wed!". Then try not to leave with a smile on your face. :) "
brian wrote on August 1, 2007 6:16 pm:
" I agree with the guy that said everything in the column was true. What I find funny is that when people point out he truth, Nebraskans get all offended. Face it folks, this guy is absolutely right about this place. And Jenna, I'd take a nice rack over a big fat butt any day of the week. "
SoCalHusker wrote on August 1, 2007 6:47 pm:
" The guy went to school and has worked all over the midwest. People here in LA hate him. I think the article was a highly sarcastic shot at the LA mentality and their stereotypes of the midwest. Sad thing is that many people here will beleive what he wrote. Ultimately he is a print version of a shock jock looking for a reaction. "
stereotypical wrote on August 1, 2007 7:55 pm:
" So I live here in Nebraska, couldn't really care less about the Huskers, football and Runzas....but what struck me about this article was that the writer (clearly writing to a rabid Nebraska fan base) and many people who have posted here have stereotyped Californians just as much as the LA columnist stereotyped Nebraskans. If anyone was planning on taking the intellectual or ethical high road here, everyone clearly missed the turn. The 'best valley girl accents' and the offers of Slurpees are just giving this guy all the more ammunition to say that all Nebraskans are ignorant oafs, which, if they bought into this article I might actually believe. "
Jenna wrote on August 1, 2007 7:58 pm:
" Brian,then why are you here..go to LA and get yourself a fake rack. I am sure real women wouldn't miss you. Go Huskers. "
California wrote on August 1, 2007 8:12 pm:
" So, it's wrong for him to judge and criticize Nebraska, but it's okay for Nebraskans to judge and criticize LA? Especially resorting to ad hominem attacks at the author? What a class act... "
runza wrote on August 1, 2007 9:14 pm:
" We have a guy that is saying crap about nebraska and so y is everybody so worried about the damn runzas. Hopefully Bill Callahan and the players from nebraska who play for nebraska can use this for motivation "
Bertha wrote on August 1, 2007 9:26 pm:
" Bring him out to the Panhandle. I will gladly challenge him to a good days work and be happy to provide him a pair of my size 16 jeans. There is plenty of crapola to be shoveled on a daily basis and I am sure that fall branding could be moved up a week or so to accommodate him. Also will be happy to teach him how to split and stack wood from the lone tree on the Pine Ridge. BTW my husband will be happy to lone him his jackass Traveler to ride to the game on. "
oscar wrote on August 2, 2007 8:15 am:
" Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. "
ECON wrote on August 2, 2007 9:32 am:
" I am surprised TJ didn't bring up the whole football players going to bars and getting into fights and getting DUI's.... haha Everything the guy said is pretty much true, me coming from the heartland can admit that it is borning here and We do thrive on Saturday for HUSKER FOOTBALL, but someone that is a fraud and says he knows nothing about farming when he grew up in the midwest? Come on now, you have to stick up for what you believe in, unstead of being nice...Sure we are the home of hospitality but there is so much you can take!!!! I say don't be nice to this guy but always show respect and how great of a state we are! "
nemo wrote on August 2, 2007 9:44 am:
" Who gives a crap what some guy in California says about anything? "
Bubba wrote on August 2, 2007 11:05 am:
" Dear Mr. Simers, Your in luck! We should have the new roof on the barn come September. We are already fluffing up a hay bale just for you. We have an extra horse stall so you can have some privacy-- that is if you don't mind our 14 kids bunking in the next stall. But it being harvest time and all, they'll be out in the field shucking corn all night so they can get to school come morning. Shouldn't bother your beauty sleep none. If you want a private suite we can get grandma to move out of the hog shed for a whiles. She don't get much sleep nowadays on account of the owls nesting and all. So the bed of the old International Harvester pickup should suit her just fine. She is as onery as a broody hen anyways so we won't be able to notice no difference if it don't. Just to make things interesting, if the Cornhuskers win you can take us up to Louisville for some prairie oysters. If you guys win, we'll take you down to the tavern for a chicken-fried steak and some curly fries. Sorry we can't offer you any of that Pacific Rim cuisine you folk out there is so used to eating. Just can't get a decent cedar roasted carp around here since they closed down the Aku Tiki Lounge back in '78 on accounts of ole Karl and the tractor incident. The little woman does do a mighty fine California roll though. She just substitutes catfish and uses lime Jell-O instead of the avocado. Can't tell any difference by me. Oh buy the way, the outhouse is a two holer so hope you don't mind sharing. We have plenty of Sears and Roebucks catalogs, but you might want to bring your own cobs. Ever since they started using that glossy paper, the catalogs just don't work like they used to do. We do miss them Montgumery Wards though. We'll get the Brillo pad out and start shining up the pump for you. Say howdy to the family for us! Yours kindly, Bubba P.S. We knows yous costal folk don't like to be caught acting backwards or anything so just a friendly tip-- Cornhuskers is plural. Cornhusker is the singular. So if you are only referring to one person or one group it would be a "Cornhusker family" or the "Cornhusker State". If you are than one of us-- team or otherwise-- it is just "The Cornhuskers." No noun needed afterwards; we will know who you are talking about. But since you are almost kin now, you can just call us Huskers. "
From West to Mid-West wrote on August 2, 2007 1:37 pm:
" Dear Mr. Simers, My family is from California, and when I moved away at age eleven, I remember thinking “People live in places besides California? I can’t imagine not living in California”. Your July 31st article reminded me of that same eleven-year-old mentality. I have to stop and ask—have you ever lived in Nebraska? If I had not lived in California, I would believe all of the air headed, fake, and immoral stereotypes of your state. But having experienced life there, I have come to learn that those stereotypes are only true for USC fans. Your article did us “Cornhuskers” no personal harm. Rather, it reinforced the common stereotype regarding the abundance of ignorance and arrogance associated with the University of Spoiled Children and the best football team money can buy. Wasn’t your last quarterback a fifth year senior taking only a two credit course in ballroom dancing? In simple California valley girl terms, “That is like, so, totally, like, not even real!” While our corn heads may look a little silly, they are nothing in comparison to your pristine white horse prancing around the field carrying a man wearing a tin chest plate and a mohawk helmet. And Nebraska is old fashioned? Shouldn’t your mascot be a plastic surgeon driving around the field in a 911 Turbo Cabriolet, Southern California’s real hero? As for me, having given the west and its mid-country counterpart a fair try, I will take Nebraska with its humble family values and unbiased friendliness over your neck of the woods any day. Your football team may be Class A, but this article was not a class act. So, while you are stuck in traffic, breathing in smog and unknown pollutions, I will be enjoying an Omaha Steak and perhaps reading the New York Times for some real news. Oh, and by the way, I am also a Notre Dame Fan—another great Midwestern team where Brain always Beats Brawn. Sincerely, From West to Mid-West "
LN wrote on August 2, 2007 1:57 pm:
" If all of you think that Nebraska is so boring... then just leave. I take pride in my state for being a great place to raise a family. It has nothing to do with nightlife, etc. So what if the football games are the highlight of my fall Saturdays. Husker fans are fans for life, and I probably can't say that for the majority of today's USC fans. They are only going to the games to try to catch a glimpse of a celebrity. It has nothing to do with the sport or loyalty to your team. "
Joe wrote on August 2, 2007 1:59 pm:
" He is more than welcome to come watch the game at my house in wonderful HD. Before the game though, we will go downtown and see first hand how dead on his opinons are, careful not to wear any USC gear, or we may be attacked by the so called fans. After that we will return to my home, happy that are opinions have been confirmed, and settle in to watch USC beat the snot out of the Cornhicks! "
skers' wrote on August 2, 2007 1:59 pm:
" I love how in Nebraska you say "the game" and everyone knows what it means without having to specify. We should give T.J. a seat in the student section, I think only then would he get the full Husker experience. Nebraskans are some of the best people around and I think TJ will find that out when he gets here. Big talk, no walk. We'll let you in when we have the right away, hold the door open for you at the gas station, always use our pleases and thank yous, share our hotdogs and beer with a stranger while tailgating and when the game is through whether we win or lose still have a smile on our faces because we are thankful for the things that are important in life: god, family, friends and husker football. "
clap wrote on August 2, 2007 2:21 pm:
" I suggest we do our talking on the field. Let's just hand them a loss. "
Love it here wrote on August 2, 2007 2:31 pm:
" Amen Nemo!! "
Paul Weber wrote on August 2, 2007 2:48 pm:
" You know this guy just does this to get a reaction out of us. The best is not to give into some uppity columnist from SoCal. This guy probaly hasn't been in the inner part of America no once, btw flying over it don't count.But hey if Mr. Simmers wants a place to stay he can stay with my folks, we'll show him what we Nebraskans do best, show off our hospitality. Mr. Simmers needs a reality check and not slander him, you do that and you give in and confirm his flawed stereotype of us. "
Danny wrote on August 2, 2007 3:42 pm:
" Ohhh, take a joke. As a life long resident of Lincoln I know one thing, I don't take offense to his comments. If you are well traveled, well educated, and not overweight than this shot wasn't at you so get over it. If you are a fat, dumb hick, then maybe it's time to change. "
ilike bubba wrote on August 2, 2007 4:00 pm:
" bubba gets it. nice. "
Re: Bubba wrote on August 2, 2007 7:59 pm:
" LMFAO! Thank you for the long laugh! "
Gerard Harbison wrote on August 3, 2007 7:36 am:
" I remember when the LALA Times was a real newspaper. Yes, I'm that old. Then they started losing money, because, face it, the school system in LA is so crappy very few people can read more than a sentence or two without getting tired, so who's going to buy a newspaper? They realized all they really need is a big comics page and a couple of guys like Simers cobbling together a dozen or so insults (which LAers really like) and call it a 'column'. They've already pink-slipped all their real journalists. I'm not sure Huskers should read Simer's full column. It's designed for Southern Californians whose lips move when they read. If you read it as if it were a regular newspaper article, bad things might happen. In the Beverly Hills edition of the newspaper, it comes with a special health warning for the botoxed. "
orenthal wrote on August 3, 2007 1:19 pm:
" He can stay with me if he brings along the USC Song Girls.... "
Just like home wrote on August 3, 2007 1:30 pm:
" We’ll host TJ. To make sure he feels at home, we’ll use the following schedule: 5:30a – 6:00a – No shower (water shortage). Breakfast of fresh fruit and granola. 6:00a - 9:00a – He’ll sit is a car in the sun. The car won’t be able to move as it’s wedged in between four other cars, which won’t move as they are wedged between four other cars, and so on. We’ll pump the exhaust fumes right into his car, so the air quality matches that to which he is familiar. 9:00 – Noon - We’ll set up a fake office in which TJ can “work”. To get TJ in the proper mood to write his column, we’ll have him practice by insulting his coworkers, kicking the UPS guy, and a throwing a stapler at a girl scout. Noon - 1:00p – Lunch of fresh fruit and granola, for which we will charge him $50. He is to be mugged at some point during lunch. On his walk back to the office, someone will shoot at him from a passing car. 1:00p – 4:45p – TJ will likely still not be in the proper mood to write his column, so he’ll spend the afternoon pulling wings off of flies and watching his vast collection of pit bull fight videos. 4:45p – 5:00p – TJ writes his column, resorting to his vast supply of filler statements such as, “they are so dumb”, “I can’t believe that they live that way”, and “we have it so much better”. 5:00p – 8:00p – Back to the car in the sun. Still doesn’t move, but it will be welcome after all that unfamiliar fresh air. 8:00p – 9:00p - Dinner of fresh fruit and granola. 9:00p – 5:30a - TJ will be tired after a long day and will want to go to bed. To ensure that he can sleep soundly, we will have a loud recording of gun shots and police sirens on a loop so it runs throughout the night. It will be as if he never left home. "
Don wrote on August 3, 2007 4:31 pm:
" Well he is right about the big butted women. They're everywhere. Especially at the 100's of Walmarts now open in Nebraska. "
Quit Hating the Runza wrote on August 5, 2007 10:33 pm:
" If all I had to eat was Runzas for the rest of my life, I would die a happy man, probably pre-maturely from arterial clogging. But happy none the less. "
Kathy wrote on August 24, 2007 11:36 am:
" It is too bad someone that ignorant is allowed to publish articles. I thought the LA Times was a legitimate paper but this sure has me questioning their reputation. I hope he wears a disguise when he comes, I think he was trying to be funny, but needs to find another job. "
Hillbilly Joe wrote on August 29, 2007 9:53 pm:
" Dear Mr. Simers you can come stay at my place if you'd like, but you might have sleep with the cows. By the time you get here there will be plenty of hunting seasons open, so we can go shoot supper or mayby go "Right down there by the creek" and catch some fish to eat. Our house isn't the best but we might go for a double-wide in a couple of years if the cows and corn sells good. Even though the last time you were here you didn't see a tree I bet you saw a tractor. That tractor was probably planting corn to feed the cattle that will be slaughtered so you will have something to eat tonight. Nebraska is big on agriculture which is the backbone of America. Without us you wouldn't have anything to eat. I think you would be happy here though with our fresh air and clean streats. I don't beleive that there has been a murder around these parts EVER. When you said you will be joining the greatest team ever assembled as they strike out into the wilderness you were right but they are not striking out into the wilderness they are already there and they are all proudly wearing a big red N on there helmet. The huskers are the winningest college football program since 1970.They are 3rd all time for the winning percentage behind Michigan and Notre Dame. USC is tenth. History shows that as the team of the 90's the Cornhuskers posted a 9 year record of 108-10-1 including a 5 year span that produced an NCAA **BEST EVER 63-3 record, won 7 conference championships and earned three National Championships in 94,95,and 97 under head coach Tom Osborne.Florida State actually had one more victory than Nebraska in the 90's but only one measly championship, that coming in a game they should have lost to Nebraska, but with the aide of the referees were able to pull it out. Now how good are your University of Stinky Condom Trojans. I'm sure that all the Husker players will read your article and use it as another reason to beat the snot out of your Trojans. Just in case you want to stay at my house we'll leave the lantern near the outhouse and save some corncobs for you just so you get the whole Nebraska experience. "

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