For parents: How to survive the summer
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BY ERIN ANDERSEN / Lincoln Journal Star
It’s finally here! Summer vacation! No doubt the kids are ecstatic. You may be, too. But if you’re the parent of a teen, summer freedom is rife with adolescent tricks, tests, con jobs and wing spreading.
You have a good kid, you say.
* What all kids need:
1. Clear rules: Consistency. Consequences. Follow-through. Balance. Remember discipline is not about punishment, it’s about teaching proper behavior.
2. Praise: Catch them being good. Surprise them with a compliment. It builds self-esteem, pride and a willingness to do what’s right.
3. Family meetings: Let everyone have a chance to talk about how things are going, and what they want. Remember: Everyone speaks freely and is listened to.
4. Planned activities: Boredom breeds trouble. Brainstorm with kids on things they can do at least part of the summer, or come up with a list of suggestions you can whip out when need be.
* What teens need:
1. Curfews: for both day and night.
2. Routine: Expectations of what they must do each day — including chores. Consider giving teens optional chores to make extra spending money.
3. Connection: Require them to call before they leave the house, and check in several times a day.
4. Guidance: Invite your teen’s friends over for a barbecue, so you can see who they are.
5. Family: Require your teen spend some time with the family. Let them help plan the activity.
6: A plan: Boredom is a high risk state for teens, said Pete Allman. “Teens do things that are more risky and inappropriate when they are bored. So plan at least one structured summer activity for your teen, be it a job, camp, volunteer work, sports league or an enrichment class.
7. Budget: If your teen has a job, open a bank account and set up a budget to save some of the summer’s revenue.
8. Brain stimulation: Require them to read a predetermined number of books or pages. Read out loud as a family. Find brainteasers and puzzles to keep them thinking.
9. Fall back plan: Have a friend or relative on standby to check in once in awhile or provide help if needed.
10. A family vacation: Nothing rebuilds family relationships like a week together in a different location.
— Sources: Lincoln Police Chief Tom Casady; mental health counselor Pete Allman; Girls and Boys Town’s www.parenting.org; FamilyEducation.com; and KidsGrowth.com.
Even good kids test the waters, said Lincoln Police Chief Tom Casady.
Even good kids need limits, rules and parents who are thinking one or two steps ahead of them. Even good kids need behavior reminders and someone to check up on them.
Even good kids need parents who retain “instructional control,” said Pete Allman, mental health counselor in Lincoln.
As kids get older, parents tend to lose their power — “Really, they give it away,” he said.
“Just like you wouldn’t give the power of parenting to a 2-year-old, you cannot give away your power of parenting to an adolescent,” Allman said. “As long as they are under your roof, you have to keep the power.”
Sound advice, but a challenge to do all the time.
Being a parent is hard. And, not just a little scary.
So we turned to the experts to find out what parents of teens should know to survive the summer.
Rules of play
If you haven’t done so already, call a family meeting. Disregard your teen’s eye rolling, Allman said.
“Start out by saying: ‘Here is how I see the summer … I would like to hear how you see the summer,’” he said.
Then try to come to an agreement on how the summer will be spent — let teens know the family meeting will continue until an accord is reached, Allman said.
Expectations, rules and consequences must be clear from the start. Always be upfront about the consequences, writes Don Fontenelle, author of “Keys to Parenting Your Teenager.”
Use do’s instead of don’ts when stating expectations. Do’s make it clear as to what you expect. Don’ts just let them know what you don’t want and are frightfully open to teenage interpretation of loopholes.
“Your child’s repertoire of behaviors is always one item longer than your list of don’ts,” writes Jane E. Heininger, co-author of “From Chaos to Calm.” “He will inevitably come up with one thing you did not think to prohibit.”
Let your teen have a say in the rules and expectations. Even if you don’t agree, listen to what your teen has to say. When reasonable, be open to negotiations and compromises.
Making your expectations clear will not completely immunize teens from making bad choices, but it will make them less likely to engage in bad behavior and more likely to hide it if they do, Casady said.
“Those countermeasures are protective,” he said. The teen may drink, but quit early so his parents won’t be suspicious, or she made stop drinking, start eating and use breath mints, so if dad rouses from the recliner he is less likely to smell it.
“Guilt can protect you from doing things for fear your parents will find out about it and for fear you will disappoint them greatly. It may not prevent behavior, but it will minimize it — they may not sneak out of the house as often, they may come back earlier, they may not engage in other wild behaviors others are engaging in.”
Make a conscious effort to be generous with praise. Notice the little things. Find good things, even if it is a stretch at the moment. Everyone responds better to praise — teens are no different. Allman said most experts tell parents to give six to eight pats on the back for every one criticism they dish out.
“Get out of the mode of only communicating when something goes wrong,” Allman said.
But remember: It is a teenager’s job to make mistakes. It’s the parents’ jobs to give them skills to make good decisions, cope with temptations and pay the consequences for their missteps.
Let them know that they can turn to you for advice no matter what, Allman said.
“Things happen,” he said. If they make a decision that is not quite right, let them know they must deal with it.
Think of it as teaching your teen critical coping skills for experiences they have not yet encountered, Allman said.
It’s also wise for parents not to trust their teens implicitly, said Casady. Parents should straighten their kids’ sock drawers; check for dust bunnies in the registers, duct work and dropped ceilings of basement bedrooms; check the car trunk to see if the spare tire is properly inflated and the glove box to make sure the insurance card is up to date, Casady said.
“It is with depressing regularity that we find drugs, guns and stolen property hidden in bedrooms and cars.”
If your child starts showing obsessive concern about his or her privacy, consider it a warning sign that something isn’t right.
“If it gets so obsessive that your teen is putting a lock on his or her door, then you need to think about who owns this house,” Casady said.
He hears the line from parents all the time: “My son/daughter would not lie to me.”
He knows otherwise.
“Yes, he or she would — just like you did (to your parents),” Casady said.
“Parents need to recognize that all is not what it appears to be.”
Pulling a fast one or two
Face it, every kid thinks parents are stupid. That they don’t have a clue. And they believe parents are especially naive when it comes to the innocent face and pleading eyes of their beloved child.
And so — good kid, bad kid, or a kid somewhere in the middle — they will try to trick you as they break the rules.
What are the tricks of this generation?
“It’s the same tricks we used to pull on our parents,” Casady said. With one exception — today’s kids have no idea that the electronic footprints they leave behind can haunt them years — even decades — down the road.
“An awful lot of kids are not thinking that this photograph or this weird, off-the-wall blog post is out there for anyone — and it can be very damaging later in life,” said the police chief.
He’s seen it happen to kids applying for law school, people running for public office, or even those who are being nominated for special honors. It can show up on Facebook, MySpace, YouTube and anywhere else — even if they thought the photo or phrase was a totally private e-mail between friends.
“Once you push the enter key, you no longer have any control over it what-so-ever,” he said.
Sneaking out
It’s as old as time — stuffing pillows under the bed covers to make it look like you’re sleeping or climbing out the bedroom window while everyone else in the house is fast asleep.
“I am amazed at how oblivious parents are that their own kids wouldn’t be doing the same things they did (when they were kids),” Casady said.
While the methods may be tried-and-true, the nighttime world is much different from what it was when we were kids, Casady said.
Back then, there were very few places for kids to go in the wee hours of the night.
But today, Lincoln — like Omaha — is a 24-hour city with gas stations, stores and even fast-food joints open around the clock.
“If you want to do what almost all teens want to do, there are plenty of places to meet, greet and enjoy the company of others and get in trouble that did not exist half a generation ago,” he said.
Plus, today’s homes are designed differently from the homes of our parents. Many kids’ bedrooms are on different floors or on opposite ends of the house from their parents’ bedroom.
“It is amazing how many people have blinders about their own children,” Casady said.
Sleepovers
As kids get older, “sleepovers” transform into opportunities for entire nights of freedom. Some kids will say they are staying at a friend’s home, but never show up. Others get there and then sneak out or raid the liquor cabinet.
Confirm sleepovers with the friend’s parents, before you let your teen go, Casady said.
Be wary of too many sleepovers at one certain home. Often kids will plan sleepovers at the home of the least attentive parent or the parents whose bedroom is at the other end of the house.
It’s not a bad idea once in awhile to call to check in on your son or daughter during a sleepover, Casady said.
And if you’re the sleepover host parent, make your rules and expectations clear from the start. Don’t allow any comings and goings throughout the night. And just to be sure, you can collect all shoes and car keys so no one gives in to temptation.
Camping
If your 16-year-old quickly transforms from a nature-phobic to a camping guru, be suspicious, Casady said.
“They may be going to Pawnee Lake, but the lake might not be the attraction,” he said. “The attraction might be no parents around and no adults around.”
Area lakes are hot spots for underage drinking and sexual encounters, all under the guise of “going camping.”
Road trips
There are two kinds of road trips — one where the parents take off and leave the “responsible” teens at home alone for a weekend; and the other, where teens are given permission to drive off to a concert in Des Moines, Kansas City or Denver.
“A lot of parents of high school-age kids get it in mind that it is OK for mom and dad to slip off for a night in Kansas City or stay overnight at the Hilton because they have good responsible 16- or 17-year-olds who are old enough and mature enough to stay by themselves,” Casady said.
He recommends every parent who is considering this to rent “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” first.
A parent-free weekend “is a terrific temptation, even for good kids,” Casady said.
As for teens hitting the road, Casady says Omaha is OK, but anything farther is too much driving for inexperienced teens — especially if the plan involves a concert or other late venue where drinking, drugs or romance may be in vast supply.
Instead of nixing the concert, Casady suggest telling your teen: “You can go to the concert if you buy me a ticket. I’ll drive.”
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
Rules of thumb
* What all kids need:
1. Clear rules: Consistency. Consequences. Follow-through. Balance. Remember discipline is not about punishment, it’s about teaching proper behavior.
2. Praise: Catch them being good. Surprise them with a compliment. It builds self-esteem, pride and a willingness to do what’s right.
3. Family meetings: Let everyone have a chance to talk about how things are going, and what they want. Remember: Everyone speaks freely and is listened to.
4. Planned activities: Boredom breeds trouble. Brainstorm with kids on things they can do at least part of the summer, or come up with a list of suggestions you can whip out when need be.
* What teens need:
1. Curfews: for both day and night.
2. Routine: Expectations of what they must do each day — including chores. Consider giving teens optional chores to make extra spending money.
3. Connection: Require them to call before they leave the house, and check in several times a day.
4. Guidance: Invite your teen’s friends over for a barbecue, so you can see who they are.
5. Family: Require your teen spend some time with the family. Let them help plan the activity.
6: A plan: Boredom is a high risk state for teens, said Pete Allman. “Teens do things that are more risky and inappropriate when they are bored. So plan at least one structured summer activity for your teen, be it a job, camp, volunteer work, sports league or an enrichment class.
7. Budget: If your teen has a job, open a bank account and set up a budget to save some of the summer’s revenue.
8. Brain stimulation: Require them to read a predetermined number of books or pages. Read out loud as a family. Find brainteasers and puzzles to keep them thinking.
9. Fall back plan: Have a friend or relative on standby to check in once in awhile or provide help if needed.
10. A family vacation: Nothing rebuilds family relationships like a week together in a different location.
— Sources: Lincoln Police Chief Tom Casady; mental health counselor Pete Allman; Girls and Boys Town’s www.parenting.org; FamilyEducation.com; and KidsGrowth.com.
If you’re a sleepover host parent, make your rules clear from the start. Don’t allow comings and goings throughout the night. And just to be sure, you can collect shoes and car keys so no one gives in to temptation. (Illustration by Gwyneth Roberts)
It’s finally here! Summer vacation! No doubt the kids are ecstatic. You may be, too. But if you’re the parent of a teen, summer freedom is rife with adolescent tricks, tests, con jobs and wing spreading.
You have a good kid, you say.
Even good kids test the waters, said Lincoln Police Chief Tom Casady.
Even good kids need limits, rules and parents who are thinking one or two steps ahead of them. Even good kids need behavior reminders and someone to check up on them.
Even good kids need parents who retain “instructional control,” said Pete Allman, mental health counselor in Lincoln.
As kids get older, parents tend to lose their power — “Really, they give it away,” he said.
“Just like you wouldn’t give the power of parenting to a 2-year-old, you cannot give away your power of parenting to an adolescent,” Allman said. “As long as they are under your roof, you have to keep the power.”
Sound advice, but a challenge to do all the time.
Being a parent is hard. And, not just a little scary.
So we turned to the experts to find out what parents of teens should know to survive the summer.
Rules of play
If you haven’t done so already, call a family meeting. Disregard your teen’s eye rolling, Allman said.
“Start out by saying: ‘Here is how I see the summer … I would like to hear how you see the summer,’” he said.
Then try to come to an agreement on how the summer will be spent — let teens know the family meeting will continue until an accord is reached, Allman said.
Expectations, rules and consequences must be clear from the start. Always be upfront about the consequences, writes Don Fontenelle, author of “Keys to Parenting Your Teenager.”
Use do’s instead of don’ts when stating expectations. Do’s make it clear as to what you expect. Don’ts just let them know what you don’t want and are frightfully open to teenage interpretation of loopholes.
“Your child’s repertoire of behaviors is always one item longer than your list of don’ts,” writes Jane E. Heininger, co-author of “From Chaos to Calm.” “He will inevitably come up with one thing you did not think to prohibit.”
Let your teen have a say in the rules and expectations. Even if you don’t agree, listen to what your teen has to say. When reasonable, be open to negotiations and compromises.
Making your expectations clear will not completely immunize teens from making bad choices, but it will make them less likely to engage in bad behavior and more likely to hide it if they do, Casady said.
“Those countermeasures are protective,” he said. The teen may drink, but quit early so his parents won’t be suspicious, or she made stop drinking, start eating and use breath mints, so if dad rouses from the recliner he is less likely to smell it.
“Guilt can protect you from doing things for fear your parents will find out about it and for fear you will disappoint them greatly. It may not prevent behavior, but it will minimize it — they may not sneak out of the house as often, they may come back earlier, they may not engage in other wild behaviors others are engaging in.”
Make a conscious effort to be generous with praise. Notice the little things. Find good things, even if it is a stretch at the moment. Everyone responds better to praise — teens are no different. Allman said most experts tell parents to give six to eight pats on the back for every one criticism they dish out.
“Get out of the mode of only communicating when something goes wrong,” Allman said.
But remember: It is a teenager’s job to make mistakes. It’s the parents’ jobs to give them skills to make good decisions, cope with temptations and pay the consequences for their missteps.
Let them know that they can turn to you for advice no matter what, Allman said.
“Things happen,” he said. If they make a decision that is not quite right, let them know they must deal with it.
Think of it as teaching your teen critical coping skills for experiences they have not yet encountered, Allman said.
It’s also wise for parents not to trust their teens implicitly, said Casady. Parents should straighten their kids’ sock drawers; check for dust bunnies in the registers, duct work and dropped ceilings of basement bedrooms; check the car trunk to see if the spare tire is properly inflated and the glove box to make sure the insurance card is up to date, Casady said.
“It is with depressing regularity that we find drugs, guns and stolen property hidden in bedrooms and cars.”
If your child starts showing obsessive concern about his or her privacy, consider it a warning sign that something isn’t right.
“If it gets so obsessive that your teen is putting a lock on his or her door, then you need to think about who owns this house,” Casady said.
He hears the line from parents all the time: “My son/daughter would not lie to me.”
He knows otherwise.
“Yes, he or she would — just like you did (to your parents),” Casady said.
“Parents need to recognize that all is not what it appears to be.”
Pulling a fast one or two
Face it, every kid thinks parents are stupid. That they don’t have a clue. And they believe parents are especially naive when it comes to the innocent face and pleading eyes of their beloved child.
And so — good kid, bad kid, or a kid somewhere in the middle — they will try to trick you as they break the rules.
What are the tricks of this generation?
“It’s the same tricks we used to pull on our parents,” Casady said. With one exception — today’s kids have no idea that the electronic footprints they leave behind can haunt them years — even decades — down the road.
“An awful lot of kids are not thinking that this photograph or this weird, off-the-wall blog post is out there for anyone — and it can be very damaging later in life,” said the police chief.
He’s seen it happen to kids applying for law school, people running for public office, or even those who are being nominated for special honors. It can show up on Facebook, MySpace, YouTube and anywhere else — even if they thought the photo or phrase was a totally private e-mail between friends.
“Once you push the enter key, you no longer have any control over it what-so-ever,” he said.
Sneaking out
It’s as old as time — stuffing pillows under the bed covers to make it look like you’re sleeping or climbing out the bedroom window while everyone else in the house is fast asleep.
“I am amazed at how oblivious parents are that their own kids wouldn’t be doing the same things they did (when they were kids),” Casady said.
While the methods may be tried-and-true, the nighttime world is much different from what it was when we were kids, Casady said.
Back then, there were very few places for kids to go in the wee hours of the night.
But today, Lincoln — like Omaha — is a 24-hour city with gas stations, stores and even fast-food joints open around the clock.
“If you want to do what almost all teens want to do, there are plenty of places to meet, greet and enjoy the company of others and get in trouble that did not exist half a generation ago,” he said.
Plus, today’s homes are designed differently from the homes of our parents. Many kids’ bedrooms are on different floors or on opposite ends of the house from their parents’ bedroom.
“It is amazing how many people have blinders about their own children,” Casady said.
Sleepovers
As kids get older, “sleepovers” transform into opportunities for entire nights of freedom. Some kids will say they are staying at a friend’s home, but never show up. Others get there and then sneak out or raid the liquor cabinet.
Confirm sleepovers with the friend’s parents, before you let your teen go, Casady said.
Be wary of too many sleepovers at one certain home. Often kids will plan sleepovers at the home of the least attentive parent or the parents whose bedroom is at the other end of the house.
It’s not a bad idea once in awhile to call to check in on your son or daughter during a sleepover, Casady said.
And if you’re the sleepover host parent, make your rules and expectations clear from the start. Don’t allow any comings and goings throughout the night. And just to be sure, you can collect all shoes and car keys so no one gives in to temptation.
Camping
If your 16-year-old quickly transforms from a nature-phobic to a camping guru, be suspicious, Casady said.
“They may be going to Pawnee Lake, but the lake might not be the attraction,” he said. “The attraction might be no parents around and no adults around.”
Area lakes are hot spots for underage drinking and sexual encounters, all under the guise of “going camping.”
Road trips
There are two kinds of road trips — one where the parents take off and leave the “responsible” teens at home alone for a weekend; and the other, where teens are given permission to drive off to a concert in Des Moines, Kansas City or Denver.
“A lot of parents of high school-age kids get it in mind that it is OK for mom and dad to slip off for a night in Kansas City or stay overnight at the Hilton because they have good responsible 16- or 17-year-olds who are old enough and mature enough to stay by themselves,” Casady said.
He recommends every parent who is considering this to rent “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” first.
A parent-free weekend “is a terrific temptation, even for good kids,” Casady said.
As for teens hitting the road, Casady says Omaha is OK, but anything farther is too much driving for inexperienced teens — especially if the plan involves a concert or other late venue where drinking, drugs or romance may be in vast supply.
Instead of nixing the concert, Casady suggest telling your teen: “You can go to the concert if you buy me a ticket. I’ll drive.”
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
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