Nebraska native's book looks at women's relationships
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BY ERIN ANDERSEN / Lincoln Journal Star
When it comes to friendship, women have the advantage over men, says Joy Carol.
“It’s part biological and part cultural,” the Nebraska native said. “We want to be in relationships. We value them. We cultivate them.
“Women are nurturing. We can give birth and nurse our babies with our own bodies,” she said. “We just have a natural tendency to be more nurturing.”
So why is it that these friendships that are so important to us can be so easily cast aside or neglected when we get busy?
And if women are the better of the two sexes when it comes to forming friendships, why do we need self-help books to teach us how to be better friends and how not to ruin a good friendship with unreasonable expectations and petty rivalries?
Women’s relationships are complex, Carol said in a telephone interview from her New York City home. A lot of factors, from relationships with our mothers and sisters to cultural expectations to our own self-identity, all come into play in the making and keeping of friends.
Carol, who grew up in Clatonia, returns to Nebraska this week for a two-week tour to promote her newest book, “The Fabric of Friendship: Celebrating the Joys, Mending the Tears in Women’s Relationships.”
Some books focus only on the special relationships between women. Some just focus on the pain and problems.
“The Fabric of Friendship” looks at both.
“People ask me why write about friendship? I feel this way — I’ve been involved with women’s issues for so long. I set up a woman’s center in Brooklyn (N.Y.) 35 years ago. I was involved in the women’s movement. I have worked with women all over the world,” she said.
So when her publisher suggested she look at friendship and Carol started talking to women about their friends — the good, the bad and the regrettable — she found answers to questions she didn’t know she had and realizations why some friendships in her own life just didn’t last.
For women, authentic friendships are rejuvenating, fulfilling and physically good. Yet innate cultural and social factors affecting females often make it difficult for women to sustain these all-important bonds, Carol said.
On one hand, women are allowed to be more feeling than men. We can cry. We can talk about how we feel. We have the uniquely female experiences of periods, cramps, childbirth and menopause. “And women often talk about their feelings and problems in life the same way. If something goes wrong, another woman will probably understand how we are feeling because they’ve probably been there too,” Carol said.
On the other hand, “women don’t have good boundaries, and we are people pleasers,” she said.
“Also, women don’t often say what they really want to say or think or mean.”
We love our friends and envy them at the same time. We support them and compete against them. The strengths we respect in them often magnify our weaknesses.
We expect our friendships to remain a solid foundation when the rest of our world tilts off its axis. Yet we forget that friendship takes energy and work, Carol said.
“Friendships are not effortless or trouble-free,” she said.
“The Fabric of Friendship” is about unraveling the knots and weaving a magnificent cloth that will shield us, support us and invigorate us, she said.
“When a friendship is good, there is nobody in the world better to you than another woman friend. She will relate to you and be empathetic because she has been there,” Carol said.
And when it goes bad, there are few things as vicious and gut-wrenching.
“I hear women say they don’t trust other women or cannot work with women because they are too bitchy, too demanding. Whereas a man might do exactly the same thing a woman does — she is demanding, he is a good boss. She is bitchy, he is strong.
“We are so judgmental of women, as compared to men,” Carol said.
“Some women say they only have men friends. What does that say about the woman who trusts men and doesn’t trust the female sex? It says they don’t trust themselves; don’t like themselves.”
Both are critical issues for women. And if they learn to like themselves and respect themselves, they will become better friends. If they can just be themselves and not worry about being misunderstood, their friendships will flourish and endure.
“They will not be so demanding, and will not be so hurt if something backfires,” Carol said. “They can be more flexible.
“As women feel good about themselves — and like themselves — they don’t have to be envious or competitive,” she said.
“We can look at our friends and see why we like them. Rather than saying, ‘She’s too smart for me or I am not as smart as her.’
“It’s transforming,” Carol said. “It changes the picture and allows us to live life fully.”
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
To catch her in person
Author, speaker and Nebraska native Joy Carol will be in the state through Oct. 2, giving speeches, signing books and receiving honors.
You can catch her at any of the following public events:
* 7:30 p.m. Thursday, Ames Reading Room, Bennett Martin Public Library, 136 S. 14th St.
* Noon- 2 p.m., Friday, Lincoln Northeast High School alumni and friends at Misty’s in Havelock for lunch and a program.
* 2 p.m. Saturday, Lee Booksellers, Edgewood Center, 5500 S. 56th St.
* 10:30 a.m. Sept. 24, Salem United Methodist Church in Clatonia. Carol will preach at her childhood church.
* 3-5 p.m. Sept. 26, reception/book event at Old Main on the Nebraska Wesleyan University Campus.
* 2 p.m. Oct 1, book event at the Scottsbluff Library in Scottsbluff.
10 steps to better friendship
1. Know yourself. When you know yourself, you can be more comfortable with yourself. Thus you can have positive feelings about other women and your relationships with them.
2. Be flexible. Women who are flexible can let go of their expectations about how a friendship should be shaped. Accept your friends for who and what they are.
3. Listen — really listen. Try listening with an open mind to what a friend is saying without running the words through filters, without thinking you know what she is going to say or without imagining she will unfairly criticize you.
4. Diversify your friendships. Many women have unrealistic expectations that a “best friend” can meet all their needs. No one person can meet all of our needs.
5. Avoid assuming. Many women are hurt because they make assumptions about things that aren’t correct or have nothing to do with them. For example, when a friend whispers to someone, people assume that friend is talking about them — in a bad way.
6. Don’t run away. Friendships are not perfect. Many times we aren’t willing to deal with tough times or confront problems openly. Our pride and fear get in the way.
7. Be truthful but kind. If you aren’t truthful with your friends, your friendships will likely be rather artificial. They won’t stand the test of time. But candor and straightforwardness require caution and care.
8. Have a sense of humor. If you can learn how to face problems with an appropriate sense of humor and laugh at yourself, you may find that you’ll avoid a lot of anguish and grief.
9. Learn to be tough enough. Try not to let words and actions that aren’t positive have an impact on you. Don’t take them personally or allow them to hurt you. Think about what may have been the intention behind the words.
10. Swallow your pride. When a friend hurts you, first try to take the high road and understand what is happening without being judgmental. If you can go a step further and forgive her, you may free yourself of the burden of carrying around extra baggage.
— Excerpted from “The Fabric of Friendship: Celebrating the Joys, Mending the Tears in Women’s Relationships” by Joy Carol
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