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At college level, parents need to let go

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Tuesday, Aug 22, 2006 - 12:13:30 am CDT

Once upon a time, college advisers focused on helping students learn how to become independent and self-reliant.

They’re still doing that, but the nature of the job has changed. Today, part of the job is fending off parents who want to continue hovering over their children thanks to cell phones and e-mail.

“Helicopter parents” would do their offspring a favor by allowing them more room to make their own decisions — and feel the consequences — as the college year gets under way this fall.

How to handle helicopter parents has become the topic of seminars among college officials, as it was this summer, for example, at a meeting of the Nebraska Association of Student Financial Aid Administrators.

Some of the stories told about today’s millennium generation provoke chuckles in those who went away to college in an era when students might make a phone call home once a week, if that.

The University of Vermont has “student bouncers” whose job is to divert parents when they try to attend sessions with advisers at registration, the Wall Street Journal reported earlier this year.

University of Georgia Professor Richard Mullendore told the newspaper that students sometimes whip out their cell phones during a session with an adviser, speed dial their parents and hand over the phone, saying, “Here, talk to my mom.”

College professors report that it’s typical for students to whip out their cell phones after a test to report how it went. Who’s on the other end? Often, it’s Mom.

The cell phone has become “the world’s longest umbilical cord,” Mullendore said.

College officials said the trend began when the so-called millennial generation, those born after 1982, started arriving in college. “They have been the most protected and programmed children ever — car seats and safety helmets, play groups and soccer leagues, cell phones and e-mail,” Mark McCarthy of Marquette University told the Washington Post earlier this year.

The habit of hovering can raise eyebrows if it extends after college. A Boeing official was surprised when a recruit brought his mother to his job interview, the Wall Street Journal reported. A General Electric official received a phone call from a mom who tried to negotiate a higher salary for a potential recruit.

While parental support at an appropriate level can help sons and daughters avoid pitfalls and make better decisions, parents should let go — by degrees, perhaps — when students go off to college. Students need to develop their own abilities to assess risks, plan, resolve conflicts and take initiative.


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Hjalmer wrote on August 22, 2006 6:30 am:
" When Mom and Pop can be shelling out more than $30,000 per year to pay for college, we shouldn't be surprised that they can be become pretty focused on what they're getting for their money. One can certainly undestand why they don't want their child wasting a year (and their 30K) fooling around. They want results! "
connie wrote on August 22, 2006 6:32 am:
" I wonder if things are really all that different, or if it's just more visible now? When I was away at college, I'd call my parents frequently, especially that first year! Nobody saw me do this, because my phone was attached to my dorm-room wall. I wasn't unusual by any means. My oldest son called to ask my advice on dorm vs. apartment, add or drop a class, once he e-mailed me a term paper for editing. When he and his wife bought their first home, they called us and her parents to look it over first. After all, we'd done this before! Yes, some of the parents in this article are extreme, but they've always been around too. In my sophmore year, a girl in my dorm got a poor grade on a paper, called her parents in tears, and they drove to our college from 4 STATES AWAY to heap abuse on the poor professor, went to the dean of students, insisting that he be fired! (he wasn't) It's very hard, sometimes, for us parents to grit our teeth and watch our grown kids make choices that we KNOW are going to come back and bite them in the you-know-what, but I think most of us do. I have one more child at home, just entering high school this year (as a 9th grader!, but that's a whole 'nother letter') and I'm already steeling myself not to become a fixture in his counselors office. It's a fine, fine line we walk, between supportive, and stifling, and we do the best we can! "
ET wrote on August 22, 2006 7:39 am:
" Hjalmer speaks like a true Helicopter parent. "They want results!" HAHAHAHAHAH!!! If you really wanted results, your kid would already be a sufficient self-starter and understand self-reliance long before they got to college. Once the get to college, you can' just strong-arm their way through college, or stand over them all of the time to make sure they're not getting into trouble. This IS what being a 'helicopter parent' is about. You would/will raise kids that are completely dependant upon mommmy and daddy until they're 60 years old themselves. I agree with connie. It may be more visible, and I think it has also increased a lot, and it's something we have to not do. It is not about being a bad parent; you get 18 years to raise your kids to be able to be on their own at least some of the time. If you can't do that, then I will take a gander and say, "Well, maybe you're weren't that great of a parent?" "
there is a line wrote on August 22, 2006 8:19 am:
" Talk to you kids on the phone as much as you want, but parents, stay away from all your kids college professors, TAs, advisors, deans, etc. I'm a TA and have had parents try to bully me. I try to be fair, but guess what makes me not want to give your kid the benefit of the doubt? "
Dave K wrote on August 22, 2006 8:37 am:
" Is this editorial serious? What is wrong with college kids involving their parents in their lives, especially when the parents are most likely dishing out thousands of dollars a year for their kid to go to school? Yes, bringing your mother to a job interview and having her negotiate a better salary for you is ridiculous. I'm sure these are isolated cases, however, parental attachment is NOT some new phenomenon being created by cell phones. Maybe students call their parents after a test because they want someone to know how they did. This article should be re-written as a letter of recognition for parents who continue to support their children. "
chode wrote on August 22, 2006 8:49 am:
" Some of this, not all but some, HAS to fall onto the student's shoulders for being so willing to involve the parents. Sort of like "Solve my problems for me mom and dad!". Of course, the parents should not be so willing to go along with it, but if that is how they have always raised their children, swooping into to help solve problems rather than teaching the child ways to solve them on their own as they grew up, then the parents will find it difficult to go "cold turkey" and not help with every little detail. "
Huh? wrote on August 22, 2006 9:03 am:
" Why is it so terrible for me to call my mother to tell her I recieved an A on a paper or exam? My parent's are shelling out 20,000 grand a year for me to receive a quality education. I also called to inform her how I would take summer classes to ease my course load as I pursue a triple major. "
KellyJo wrote on August 22, 2006 9:10 am:
" I couldn't agree more that one of my most important jobs as a parent is to make sure that when the time comes for my daughters to leave the nest, they are prepared for life outside of the nest. I wouldn't have a problem with my daughter calling me after a test to let me know how she did. In fact, I would encourage it. (And not because of the money I would be spending on her education, but because I would be interested in how she did.) But as for me intervening on her behalf with a professor or advisor, no way. She HAS to learn to speak for herself. Not to mention, just because she got a poor grade doesn't necessarily mean it was the professor's fault. If anything, I would stand on the side of the professor and tell my darling daughter to buck up and do better next time. When she goes to college, if I believe my daughter is in the right, I will stand up for her, but I don't know if I will speak for her. I would rather help her learn to do for herself. There really should be no other way. "
Eternal Hope wrote on August 22, 2006 10:44 am:
" There might be room for some independent socializing but parents are there for their children and do have a vested interest in the child's success. Strong families do not end with benchmarks, instead the relationship is fortified and dreams renewed. "
MONEYevils wrote on August 22, 2006 10:47 am:
" First of all, not all parents "shell out thousands of dollars" for their children's college education. I think my parents did a very responsible thing by sitting me down and making me understand that COLLEGE ISN'T FREE! I had to earn my scholarships and take out loans..."Honey, sign here. Someday you're going to have to pay this money back. Don't screw it up." I worked hard for what I got and my parents MADE me understand that to get anywhere in life I am going to have to work for it not wait for it to be handed to me. I managed, with my parents support of course, to earn enough scholarship money for 4 years tuition, room and board at the cost of 1 year tuition---WOW a $60,000 savings! That makes a kid feel good. Parents, show your children how to be responsible and DON'T hand them life on a silver platter (even if you can afford it). Responsiblility is learned through mistakes and misfortune. Give your kids the chance to make a few mistakes and live life a little "rough" for a while. I'm not saying don't be supprotive. My parents were full of advice (not money) whenever I needed it. Granted they gave me $20 every now and then so I could afford a little fun, but even that made me appreciate the value of a few extra bucks even more. Now, at 22, I have a full-time job (which I found and applied for by myself) and am responsible for my own car insurance, medical insurance, dental insurance, 401K, life insurance, college loans, rent, utilities, credit card bill, etc. my parents are still giving advice but NOT money. I, personally, call them quite often hoping for an extra added opinion on important matters in my life. I'm planning on going to medical school within the next year. My parents won't take the 8 hour MCAT for me, they won't fill out the applications, they won't write the essays, they won't go to my interviews, they won't pay the application fees, but they will stand by my side the whole way proudly exclaiming "We know you can do it. We love you! Keep working hard!" Words that only encourage me to charge ahead. To sum it all up: financial support and emotional support do not have the same effect. One resluts in a spoiled, parent-dependent kid-for-life (I have MANY MANY friends like this). The other a self-reliant, responsible adult! Which kind of person do you want to raise?? "
Recent Student wrote on August 22, 2006 11:49 am:
" As a recent graduate of Wesleyan, I've seen parents going overboard, but I've also seen supportive parents. There is nothing to say that you cannot have a relationship with your parents while in college, but the relationship has to change as the parents can no longer make the decision for the students. Be there with advice, yes, but they cannot think that they can fix their student's problems for them. The student will not be ready for real life when they graduate, if they graduate. I've seen kids who have everything paid for and problems fixed by their parents not care enough to get the education because it is too hard for them to work towards since they've never had to work for anything in their life. "
Matt Poulsen wrote on August 22, 2006 1:05 pm:
" No one is saying parents shouldn't be involved! But they shouldn't be holding their children's hands either. There is obviously a balance between the two extremes. Parents shouldn't be talking to college advisors, but they should be talking to their kids about how their classes are going. This article sites a few extreme laughable examples to make its point, but doesn't point out the millions of cases where parents took no active role whatsoever in their childrens educational future. Which extreme would you prefer?? "
Josh wrote on August 22, 2006 2:07 pm:
" The problem is not calling the parents to report how you did on a test, however the problem is when the parent gets mad if you got a C, and wants to talk to the teacher to negotiate a higher grade or complain about it... the student earns whatever grade they get, the teacher simply reports how well they did (or did not do)! "
Ed wrote on August 22, 2006 2:37 pm:
" When I was in college years ago, I paid my own way with the help of scholarships and loans. No money from parents. I lived 4 miles away from the house I grew up in and my mother worked on campus. How often did I contact my parents or vice versa? I recall it being about 2-3 times per month. Seemed about right to me. I am so happy that they taught me to be independent. I made my own mistakes and learned from them. And my parents were always there when I needed them. "Helicopter parents" are doing their kids a disservice. "
True Grit wrote on August 22, 2006 5:42 pm:
" A friend of mine is a prof. at the Univ. of TX--he talks about the 90-10 rule. You have to spend 90% of your time with 10% of the students (and their parents)--unfortunately, they are the "under-achievers." And even more unfortunately, that leaves only 10% of your time to spend with the other 90% of the students--who will be America's future. "
Dianne wrote on August 23, 2006 12:14 am:
" When my son went to orientation I went to the keep the parents busy meeting while the advisor who didn't know him or ask any questions filled out his schedule. When we got to the car and he showed it to me I knew what would happen and took him back found out the person he needed to talk to about the honors program and went with him to sign up. He agreed when I told him if he took a couple honors classes I wouldn't give him the sex talk they told us at the meeting we should have with our child, I figured we needed that several years before and so we'd done it once. When a student takes applied calc because he wants to the advisor should ask a little more. The first semester was a 3.5. The registration for second semester they did basic filler stuff, he bored himself right out of college. When a parent goes along, which I did again a couple years later when he went back it's not necessarily because they want to run the show but they know the individual much better than the person who's plugging them in to fit the mold stuff. His grades were his own, the responsibility was his but my money gives me the right to provide input. No, I never talked to an instructor or tried to influence course work or grades. I've gone with all four of my kids, who also have all worked to pay for some of their expenses and value what they're getting. "
Lisa wrote on August 23, 2006 8:38 am:
" My 18-yr old son went to UNL's New Student Enrollment this summer. It was great! Never thought of it is a "keep parents busy session". Of course, the new students were sent out to meet with advisors and set up their schedule for the next school year. My son didn't need me there with him. He took the initative before enrollment to contact the department for his major. He visited the UNL campus and the advisor in the department before enrollment. He looked at the suggested course schedule, when he had questions he called or emailed the advisor. When it was time to put together his schedule, his advisor knew his name, and had already communicated with him about his course work. This is something students can and should do on their own. I can support my son by looking at the information he finds, answering any questions and encouraging him to explore his options. They can do it - let them do it. "
Former Residence Life Professional wrote on August 23, 2006 11:21 am:
" I completely agree with this article, however, I think the cord cutting ceremonies need to begin earlier. If so called hellicopter parents (I love this term by the way) have controlled their students life in every aspect until the moment of college orientation the student will be left felling very lost and alone. This freedom to make their own choices should begin in high school with some guidance for students and parents to have confidence the right decisions will be made. Many students who have experienced sudden freedom find their way into trouble, not only with poor class decisions but also with poor life choices that render them defensless when finals come thier way. They need to be armed with good decision making skills so they will be able to successfully balance new schedules which will include parties, friends, studying, classes, and extra curricular activities. Theres my 2 cents! "
JAC wrote on August 24, 2006 11:47 am:
" I would have died of embarassment if my mom or dad went with me to register for classes, tried to negotite me a higher grade, decorated my dorm room or anything else. When I was planning my after high school life my mom asked me where I was going to college and I told her somewhere you cant't get to to visit on weekends. Parents need to prepare their children to stand on their own two feet, to make their own decisions, and to "fight their own battle". Mom and dad are not always going to be around to do this, and too many children today have no ides what life in the real world is like, because mom and dad have always been there to bail them out. "
tim wrote on August 25, 2006 2:09 pm:
" try accepting $20,000 for a parent and then not accept their input. first of all, these kids should be paying for their education just like many of 'us' parents have. they'll come out of college with more than a classroom education. gosh they might even learn that mom & dad arent a money tree. the problem is really quite simple and doesnt require a phd for some fancy university. these parents have control issues and they'll continue to 'give' their children money and 'things' to maintain control of 'their' family. thank God my parent didnt spoil me. "

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