Competition a common problem between women
She caught us in a covert kiss. We worried she’d tell. She did worse. She tried to steal him away — conniving against her competition, flaunting her beauty, sensuality and social status. The story is an all too common one among women, says gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash. Forty percent say another woman has stolen their boyfriend, lover, husband or job at some time in their lives.
Twenty-five percent admit they have done the stealing as well.
And that’s not the half of it, according to Barash’s research and interviews with 500 women in the United States:
n 90 percent admit they are (or have been) envious and jealous of other women in their lives.
n 65 percent say they feel that way about their sister or best friend.
n 80 percent say they have been victims of another woman’s envy or jealousy.
n And 90 percent of women say the toughest workplace competition comes from women, not men.
We may find Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada” deliciously evil, but we also know deep down there are lots of Mirandas in our world. And lots of under-appreciated heroines like Andrea Sachs.
After all, we cheered for Melanie Griffith when she won not only the job but the man from her underhanded female boss in “Working Girl.” We all dream of being Cinderella, but also can relate to the jealously of the ugly stepsisters who don’t stand a chance with the handsome rich prince.
Rivalry is part of the human condition for women, said Barash, professor of critical thinking and gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College in New York. And it starts at a very young age.
“By sixth grade we know who the popular, pretty, sporty, brainy girls are. And we spend the rest of our lives working with these stereotypes and being part of it, and being very jealous of what we don’t have,” Barash said.
It’s a rivalry that is uniquely female — pitting woman against woman, girl against girlfriend, sister against sister, mother against daughter and vice versa, said Barash.
For her newest book, “Tripping the Prom Queen: the Truth About Women and Rivalry,” Barash interviewed 500 women of all ages, races and socioeconomic backgrounds. What she found was that rivalries from our earliest moments color how we view other females, how we operate and how we feel about our ourselves.
“What surprised me was how deep seated jealousy can be and how pervasive it is,” she said.
Not to mention how permanent.
“If you are jealous of a friend’s boyfriend in ninth grade, at 35 you are jealous of the relationship she has with her husband,” Barash said. “The circumstances change but at the same time the feelings remain.”
So why do we do it?
“Because of the scarcity of goods,” said Barash in a phone interview from New York.
“We (women) are taught winner takes all — the sense that there is only one (glass) slipper, one crown. And therefore, if she has it, I cannot have it.
“What is so fascinating is how little regard women have for what rightfully belongs to another woman, be it her job, her husband … it’s limited goods and you do what you can to get good,” Barash said.
It’s a uniquely female trait, she said.
“Men don’t do it — at least not the same degree,” Barash said. “They don’t compete in the same way, because men have always competed for what they do, and women compete for who they are.”
Men can be fierce competitors at work and in the sports arena, but at the end, they set it aside and go out for drinks together.
“For women it is much more totalizing,” Barash said.
Women define themselves in relational terms, who they are married to, who they are related to, who they work with, who their children are and how they fit in that bigger picture.
“Men have a sense of boundaries, which makes it a lot healthier,” Barash said. “For women it is often unhealthy. They often undermine one another in order to win.”
Historically speaking, women have always competed with one another — and at the same time supported and protected one another.
The cave woman fiercely protected her man, her children, her cave. In modern and civilized society, women still compete over having the cleanest house, the best-dressed, achieving and well-behaved kids, the most successful spouse.
And while you might assume the women’s movement and the move of women into the workforce would have created a more united stand among females, just the opposite is true, Barash said.
They compete fiercely with one another for the better jobs, the better salary, the most attention. They work behind the scenes and withhold critical information that could help another woman get ahead. They ridicule one another — instead of supporting each other — for choices such as staying home and raising the children or working outside the home.
“It’s been an unprecedented and unexpected part of how women treat one another,” Barash said.
The picture is not pretty.
So what can we do about it? Or are we destined to be catty, witchy and bitchy?
First, women need to admit how they feel about the other women in their lives, Barash said.
“Stop pretending that we are not jealous or envious of our friends,” she said. “Then take that envy and spin it in a positive way.”
Instead of envying what another woman has, look at what you have.
“Use that envy to understand what works best in your life, “ Barash said.
“We have to understand that we are not twins with our friends, that not everything our co-workers and good friends achieve is what will work for us.”
Women face a lot of obstacles in the world, from societal expectations to raising families to making a mark in the world to discovering what makes them happy and satisfied. Instead of looking at fellow females as competition, women need to band together in the spirit of that fairy-tale sisterhood, according to Barash.
“Don’t hold the bar so high for females,” she said. “Understand what the requirements are and what kind of friend you are back.”
Women need to mentor one another. Give other women the information and opportunities they themselves didn’t receive.
“Instead of saying, ‘No one taught me,’ say, ‘Let me tell you all that I know,’” Barash said.
Only then, as more women reach the top rungs of the corporate ladder, find balance in their lives and feel at peace with who they are and what they have, will other women excel and not feel so threatened, she said.
The first step is recognizing who you are and what your goals are. Recognize the rivalry within you. Set it aside. Move beyond.
And then women can truly be friends in the sense of sisterhood.
Oh, and as for the boyfriend-stealing co-worker?
We both won — finding our own Mr. Right.
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
Twenty-five percent admit they have done the stealing as well.
And that’s not the half of it, according to Barash’s research and interviews with 500 women in the United States:
n 90 percent admit they are (or have been) envious and jealous of other women in their lives.
n 65 percent say they feel that way about their sister or best friend.
n 80 percent say they have been victims of another woman’s envy or jealousy.
n And 90 percent of women say the toughest workplace competition comes from women, not men.
We may find Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada” deliciously evil, but we also know deep down there are lots of Mirandas in our world. And lots of under-appreciated heroines like Andrea Sachs.
After all, we cheered for Melanie Griffith when she won not only the job but the man from her underhanded female boss in “Working Girl.” We all dream of being Cinderella, but also can relate to the jealously of the ugly stepsisters who don’t stand a chance with the handsome rich prince.
Rivalry is part of the human condition for women, said Barash, professor of critical thinking and gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College in New York. And it starts at a very young age.
“By sixth grade we know who the popular, pretty, sporty, brainy girls are. And we spend the rest of our lives working with these stereotypes and being part of it, and being very jealous of what we don’t have,” Barash said.
It’s a rivalry that is uniquely female — pitting woman against woman, girl against girlfriend, sister against sister, mother against daughter and vice versa, said Barash.
For her newest book, “Tripping the Prom Queen: the Truth About Women and Rivalry,” Barash interviewed 500 women of all ages, races and socioeconomic backgrounds. What she found was that rivalries from our earliest moments color how we view other females, how we operate and how we feel about our ourselves.
“What surprised me was how deep seated jealousy can be and how pervasive it is,” she said.
Not to mention how permanent.
“If you are jealous of a friend’s boyfriend in ninth grade, at 35 you are jealous of the relationship she has with her husband,” Barash said. “The circumstances change but at the same time the feelings remain.”
So why do we do it?
“Because of the scarcity of goods,” said Barash in a phone interview from New York.
“We (women) are taught winner takes all — the sense that there is only one (glass) slipper, one crown. And therefore, if she has it, I cannot have it.
“What is so fascinating is how little regard women have for what rightfully belongs to another woman, be it her job, her husband … it’s limited goods and you do what you can to get good,” Barash said.
It’s a uniquely female trait, she said.
“Men don’t do it — at least not the same degree,” Barash said. “They don’t compete in the same way, because men have always competed for what they do, and women compete for who they are.”
Men can be fierce competitors at work and in the sports arena, but at the end, they set it aside and go out for drinks together.
“For women it is much more totalizing,” Barash said.
Women define themselves in relational terms, who they are married to, who they are related to, who they work with, who their children are and how they fit in that bigger picture.
“Men have a sense of boundaries, which makes it a lot healthier,” Barash said. “For women it is often unhealthy. They often undermine one another in order to win.”
Historically speaking, women have always competed with one another — and at the same time supported and protected one another.
The cave woman fiercely protected her man, her children, her cave. In modern and civilized society, women still compete over having the cleanest house, the best-dressed, achieving and well-behaved kids, the most successful spouse.
And while you might assume the women’s movement and the move of women into the workforce would have created a more united stand among females, just the opposite is true, Barash said.
They compete fiercely with one another for the better jobs, the better salary, the most attention. They work behind the scenes and withhold critical information that could help another woman get ahead. They ridicule one another — instead of supporting each other — for choices such as staying home and raising the children or working outside the home.
“It’s been an unprecedented and unexpected part of how women treat one another,” Barash said.
The picture is not pretty.
So what can we do about it? Or are we destined to be catty, witchy and bitchy?
First, women need to admit how they feel about the other women in their lives, Barash said.
“Stop pretending that we are not jealous or envious of our friends,” she said. “Then take that envy and spin it in a positive way.”
Instead of envying what another woman has, look at what you have.
“Use that envy to understand what works best in your life, “ Barash said.
“We have to understand that we are not twins with our friends, that not everything our co-workers and good friends achieve is what will work for us.”
Women face a lot of obstacles in the world, from societal expectations to raising families to making a mark in the world to discovering what makes them happy and satisfied. Instead of looking at fellow females as competition, women need to band together in the spirit of that fairy-tale sisterhood, according to Barash.
“Don’t hold the bar so high for females,” she said. “Understand what the requirements are and what kind of friend you are back.”
Women need to mentor one another. Give other women the information and opportunities they themselves didn’t receive.
“Instead of saying, ‘No one taught me,’ say, ‘Let me tell you all that I know,’” Barash said.
Only then, as more women reach the top rungs of the corporate ladder, find balance in their lives and feel at peace with who they are and what they have, will other women excel and not feel so threatened, she said.
The first step is recognizing who you are and what your goals are. Recognize the rivalry within you. Set it aside. Move beyond.
And then women can truly be friends in the sense of sisterhood.
Oh, and as for the boyfriend-stealing co-worker?
We both won — finding our own Mr. Right.
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.
Copyright © 2002-2008 Lincoln Journal Star. All rights reserved.