Rules are key to appropriate behavior for dating teens
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BY HILARY STOHS-KRAUSE / Lincoln Journal Star
When Jacob Gipson turns 16 in June, he plans to buy a car, and, just maybe, go on a date or two.
Right now, the freshman at Lincoln Christian High School just isn’t that interested, and he stays busy with school and athletics. He’s also not allowed to date yet. Jacob’s mom, Julie Gipson, said he can start dating once he turns 16.
“Well, having boys, I don’t think they need to date until they can drive,” Gipson said. “I couldn’t date until I was 16, so it seemed like a good time (to pick).”
When it comes to teenagers and dating, parents often present their sons and daughters with a detailed set of rules.
Which is a good thing, according to Kate Kelly, author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Parenting a Teenager.”
“It’s like teaching table manners,” she said. “They need to understand what is appropriate behavior.”
Katheryn Palmer agreed. Her son Josh is a sophomore at Lincoln East High School.
“They need (rules),” she said. “They’re not mature enough, they’re not grown-ups, and whether they think they need them or not, they need them.”
She said Josh’s maturity was a major factor in deciding when he could start dating. The 16-year-old has been dating for about a year.
According to Kelly, one of the most important guidelines to establish is a curfew.
“First of all, it begins to teach responsibility,” she said, “and second, it gives a comfort level to parents …”
As for when to set a curfew, several factors need to be considered, she said. It’s important for parents to communicate with other parents in their community.
“If all the other kids have an 11 p.m. curfew, it doesn’t do your child any good to give them a 10:30 curfew,” she said.
It’s better to feel a little uncomfortable about letting your child stay out later than to be too strict, she added, which could make the teenager resentful and more likely to break the rules.
Palmer said she keeps Josh’s curfew flexible depending on where he’s going, why and with whom.
Gipson really hasn’t needed to set a curfew yet, she said. However, she always wants to know where Jacob is and what he’s doing.
“If he starts dating, I want him to be responsible for calling and checking in,” she said. “I think communication is a big thing.”
Kelly agreed, saying it was important to have trust between parents and teenagers, especially when it comes to dating and sex.
“Teens are more likely to have sex at a younger age,” she said. “There’s more pressure, which is an unfortunate thing.”
She advised talking openly with teenagers about premarital sex and warning them of the dangers. However, it should be an open dialogue, not a lecture.
“Let them know what the risks are, and listen to them very carefully,” she said. “If they’re getting in over their heads, if you have a good relationship, they’re a lot more likely to come talk to you.”
This is one reason Gipson set an age limit, she said.
“When they start dating at 13 or 14, where do they go from there?” she said. “They just keep going up and up, so by the time they’re 16 or 17, they want to get married or are pregnant.”
Group dating, which Kelly says is on the rise, is one way to alleviate the pressure to be sexually active.
Both Palmer and Gipson ask their sons to date in groups.
“I always encourage them to stay in groups,” Gipson said. “It’s a little more comfortable, it’s not as intimidating.”
“If there’s someone you like, you start out as friends and then you go in groups,” Palmer said. “If it’s a special occasion, they’re welcome to go on their own, like Homecoming or Valentine’s Day.”
It’s also important to date for the right reasons.
“What is dating all about?” Kelly said. “It’s about learning what you like and don’t like in a person.”
Palmer agreed, saying the reason for dating is to find a future spouse.
“It’s fine if you just want to be friends and hang out, but then you’re friends, not dating,” she said.
Because of this, Gipson said, it’s important to date someone with similar values. She raised her children as born-again Christians, and she expects them to date people with similar religious backgrounds.
However, if Jacob happened to fall for someone with different beliefs, she wouldn’t stop him.
“That’s where faith comes in,” she said. “That’s where God comes in.”
How have Josh and Jacob reacted to such rules?
“(Josh) is a typical teenager,” Palmer said. “He gets upset with them, he doesn’t like them, but he deals with them. … He’s proving himself.”
“We have high standards for our boys,” Gipson said, admitting that she might be more “hardcore” than other parents
“So far, they’ve been good. I can tell my younger one’s gonna be a bit of a challenge, but …”
Keeping kids busy and making sure they don’t focus too much on dating is the best way to avoid problems, Kelly said. If your child goes on a date Friday night, encourage them to spend time with friends on Saturday.
Finally, if they do break the rules, be firm, but don’t overreact.
“If you set guidelines and they disobey them,” Kelly said, “you’ve really gotta hold the line.”
For example, if your teenager comes home late Friday night, don’t let them go out Saturday night, she said.
However, “you don’t need to ground them for a month.”
While all parents will have different rules for their teens when it comes to dating, Kelly said, it’s necessary to have some.
“Kids do need guidelines,” she said. “We think dating has gone on forever, but they’ve never dated before. … Do what you think is necessary to keep your kids safe.”
Reach Hilary Stohs-Krause at 473-7254 or hstohs-krause@journalstar.com.
Dating tips
Here are some tips from Kate Kelly, author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Parenting a Teenager.”
1. Curfew: When setting curfew for your son or daughter, try to pick a time you are comfortable with but that mirrors the average curfew of your community.
2. Open dialogue: Be frank about your expectations right from the beginning, especially any concerns you might have about sex. At the same time, let your teen know they can trust you.
3. Know who they’re dating: It’s a lot easier to keep tabs on your teenager if their boyfriend or girlfriend feels comfortable around you; invite him or her over for dinner, for example.
4. Stick to the rules: It’s OK to change the rules if you talk about it in advance, like for a special occasion. However, if your teen comes home late one night without calling, don’t ignore it. At the same time, be careful not to overreact.
5. Pay attention: If your teenager is spending every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night with their significant other, it’s a good sign things might be getting too serious. On the other hand, if your son or daughter is following all the rules with little or no complaint,consider giving them a longer curfew one Friday or some other type of reward.
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