Fair play: Toddlers begin to develop social skills
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BYERINANDERSEN
It happens frequently.
One minute the toddlers are gleefully engaged in blocks, and the next Susie is sinking her teeth into Jimmy's arm leaving telltale bite marks and a trail of tears.
"Kids bite," said Deborah Sheely, administrator of Tabitha Intergenerational Center. "The more social a kid is the more likely he or she is to get hit, scratched or bit."
When it happens "parents freak out" - regardless of whether their child is the biter or the bitee, Sheely said.
"It's a disgusting little habit and I acknowledge how frustrating and disgusting it is," she said. "But it also is very, very normal."
These kids are very beginners in the lifelong lesson of socialization - specifically playing well with others, say child development experts.
That means the toddler who bites, pushes, pulls hair or kicks is not necessarily bad, evil or troubled.
She simply could be tired, hungry, frustrated or wanting to let someone else know those teeth popping through her gums really, really hurt, Sheely said.
Playing nice. Sharing. Playing with others. All are social skills learned in developmental stages in a child's life, says Dr. Marianne Neifert, aka "Dr. Mom."
Frequently, parents set too high expectations for their toddler's or preschooler's social behavior.
"Parents who expect too much from their children often misinterpret age-appropriate behavior as being unacceptable," Neifert writes in her book "Dr. Mom's Prescription for Preschoolers."
"For example, the normal self- centered-ness of toddlers makes it difficult, if not impossible, for them to share willingly," she writes.
That means the toddler who won't share his toys isn't necessarily being naughty or even consciously selfish. The child is being normal for his age, according to Neifert.
That does not mean biting and hurting others should be acceptable, said Sheely.
It simply means parents have to add one more to the infinite list of life's lessons and skills to teach their little ones.
At the Intergenerational Center, Sheely created a little cheer to teach her toddlers:
"Biting our friends is not OK. Biting apples is OK.
"Pushing our friends is not OK. Pushing swings is OK."
"The biggest problem people have is that they expect a 2-year-old to behave like a 4-year-old," Sheely said.
It helps to understand how children develop.
It's all about them in the beginning. They develop a sense of self and learn they are part of a family.
Later they watch other children and eventually want to interact with them. Even that comes in stages - first the child may play alone, then they will play near or parallel to other children, but not with them.
Playing with others comes later. Sharing, playing and sharing, playing with a purpose and playing organized games all come even later and only with practice, say experts at the child development Web site of Chateau Meddybemps.
Later still come skills such as respecting others and feeling empathy.
These skills all come with time, maturity and example. Once upon a time it was believed children really learned how to play together around the age of 3. But new studies show that children in high quality play groups or infant-toddler centers can learn those skills much earlier in life, said Carolyn Edwards, a Willa Cather professor of psychology and family and consumer sciences at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
Still, "younger children do take awhile to get to know each other," Edwards said. "They need to establish predictability, routines and trust in other children. Once they do that they can get a lot of pleasure out of peer interaction."
And truth is, adults often put their own interpretations on children's interactions - interpretations that are colored by years of experience and adult analysis.
"The child who is playing near other children may in a sense think that he is playing with them. And other children may feel that as well," Edwards said.
In the same sense, toddlers may see nothing wrong with yanking a toy out of the hand of another child, because their logic is far different from adult logic.
Neifert describes a toddler's theory of possession like this:
"If I like it, it must be mine."
"If I had it a while ago, it's still mine."
"If you put it down, it immediately becomes mine."
"If I'm playing with some of the pieces, all of the pieces are mine.
"If it's broken, it's yours."
Adults know that's not socially acceptable. But kids don't know that.
At the Tabitha Intergenerational Center, Sheely and her fellow teachers used to say "uh oh" every time a child did something wrong.
Now they are a bit more relaxed, because they understand the children are learning the skills they need. And the only way to learn the skills is to practice them.
"We still say 'no' to biting and running away from us," Sheely said. "And if a child is really hurting another child we say 'no' -"
But with older toddlers, staff try to keep out of the disagreement and let the kids work it out their way.
Sheely told about a loving friendship between two toddlers -a boy much bigger than the girl. Whenever he would try to kiss her, she would fall over.
"As long as she was not hurt, I'd leave them alone," she said.
Staff model good behavior. And they help children learn through natural consequences.
Instead of demanding a 2-year-old share a toy with another child, Sheely stocks toys in duplicate and triplicate. The center also teaches children sign language, so they have communication skills other than crying, whacking and yanking. They use the Reggio Emelia child development approach, which uses nurturing and kindness to show children how their actions affected their friends.
Around age 3, children are ready to start solving their own problems - with adult supervision, Edwards said.
"They have enough verbal skills that they can play well by themselves and do some sharing," she said.
Role playing - child pretending they are the mommy or daddy in their imaginary house or the teacher in their classroom - comes around age 4 or 5, Edwards said.
And regardless of whether a child is 1 or 13, disagreements with friends, inappropriate behavior or impulsive actions later regretted will still occur.
"Children do use conflict as a way of learning about the social world and learning about each other," Edwards said. "They are not usually as distressed by disputes as grown-ups are. If (adults) interfere too much, they are interfering with the processes of learning the skills to get along.
"The trick is to somehow be present enough to keep kids from hurting each other, but not to be so intervening that children do not get a chance to learn the social skills they need."
It's not easy - for teachers or parents.
"Too often parents want to control everything instead of facilitating growth," Sheely said.
Sure, we want to protect our kids. Sure, we want them to be "good."
But experts agree, the more we want to control the situation - the greater disservice we do to our children years down the road.
Edwards recommends parents and teachers "try not to be the judge and the fixer"in childhood squabbles.
"Instead be a support to the children and convey to them our trust that they have the resources to think about it and work it out," she said.
Reach Erin Andersen at 473-7217 or eandersen@;journalstar.com.
Helping kids play well
Social skills are learned. That means parents and adults need to help children learn how to play well with others. Here's how:
n Give kids opportunities to play with other children.
n Play with children in a "peerlike" way, just for the sake of having fun.
n Don't try to create a conflict-free family.
n Have healthy disagreements or conflicts in front of your kids.
n Talk to your children about social relationships and values.
n Don't fix all of your child's problems. Help them come up with their own ideas.
n Praise positive and relevant strategies such as negotiation and compromise.
n Use the lingo - say things like "let's compromise" or "here are some possible solutions."
n Keep your attitude positive in your own social setbacks.
n Intervene when necessary, but let kids try to work out their problems themselves.
Sources: Jacquelyn Mize and Ellen Abell, University of Auburn; and Charles Fay, school psychologist, Love and Logic.
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